


A broken smile

by gmalkin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt Sam Winchester, Oblivious Dean Winchester, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Whump, Tortured Sam Winchester, season 6 episode 11 divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-07-12 17:47:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 31,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16000241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gmalkin/pseuds/gmalkin
Summary: Sam couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t been in pain. Every second of every day was filled with laughter, screams and red; so much red.A fic where Sam Winchester comes back from the cage remembering everything. But won’t tell Dean because he’s a Winchester and they seem to love secrets.





	1. Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Thank you if you decide to read this fic!  
> I’ve always wanted to read/write fics where Sam has to actually work through his ptsd so I’ve decided to have a go.
> 
> All I have to say is sorry to Sam because he’s about to be put through the grinder.

Sam couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t been in pain. Every second of every day was filled with laughter, screams and red; so much red. 

He couldn’t even think of a time before this cage, before the archangels.  
His memories were cloudy, played with by Lucifer, every happy moment tarnished by his presence, a dark hue, only a few untouched, Sam treasured those moments, no matter how small, kept them locked in a part of his mind even Lucifer couldn’t reach. For now. 

He’s dragged from his mind by a particularly painful twist of the serrated spike in his spine, he whimpered in pain, vocal chords too battered to scream. 

‘I don’t like when you drift off, Sammy.’  
The voice of the Devil slithered over the back of his neck, too close for comfort.  
‘Don’t do it again.’  
The facade of lightheartedness barely veiling the threat in his tone.  
‘S- sorry.’ He whispers out, he cringes at himself, he used to be so defiant, he just couldn’t anymore. It just ended in more agony. 

Suddenly, Lucifer dragged the tool out of him, excruciatingly slow, patting Sam slightly too hard on the back of the head.  
Confused for a moment, Sam dared to lift his head to see an angry Micheal, he breathes a sigh of relief, they’re probably just going to fight again. 

Sam tries to take the time to calm down, he had no idea how long he’d been down here in the time upstairs, but down here it was 170 years and 78 days, he’d counted the best he could; but considering how often he was passed out or dazed it could’ve been much longer.

He couldn’t move anymore, although the wounds seemed to heal, every ounce of pain lingered for years, his entire body felt as if it was consistently being pummelled by a sledge hammer, and the noise never stopped, the fire scorching his lower body barely even registered anymore, if anything it was comforting. It meant they were leaving him alone. 

Sam looked up to see they’d stopped, it looked like Micheal won this time, He sighed in relief, his torture methods were a lot less refined. He could make it through this. He could. 

******************  
Years had passed, Sam was gone, or at least it felt like it, they were getting bored, all he would do was scream.  
‘Looks like the kid finally cracked. I must say, I’m impressed he lasted this long, don’t you think?’ Grinned Lucifer.

‘It’s annoying, make it shut up.’ Micheal growled out.  
Lucifer rolled his eyes, ‘you’re no fun, brother.’ 

Sam stopped, the sudden silence almost deafening, a lazy smile on his face, eyes going over Lucifer as if he wasn’t there, ‘Dean will come for me, he always does. Just you wait you son of a bitch.’  
Lucifer barked out a laugh. ‘There’s still some fight in you left, you’re going to regret it.’

The screams started once more, so loud and agonised that the whole of hell echoed the fall of Sam Winchester, the former saviour of the world. 

*****************

Crowley rubbed his temples, the sound used to be soothing, a familiar pitch. But now it was just grating. All the demons knew what it was, and they didn’t enjoy it for long, so when death entered his court and told him he was going to drag Sam’s mangled soul out of the pit, he had to force himself not to rejoice. 

The red was broken by a bright light, for a moment, blinded, Sam closed his eyes, once he opened them again, he was in the panic room, he span around to see himself cuffed to the bed. That must have been the body Castiel dragged out, Sam shuddered at the memory of seeing himself getting so close to being free. 

‘Dean went through so much for me to get you out.’  
The voice made Sam turn so quickly his neck twinged.  
‘Death? What are you doing here? What did Dean do?’ Sam started to panic, praying to the absentee God that he hadn’t done anything too stupid.

‘Nothing too bad, I decided to do him a favour, his wounded child eyes rival yours. Sam.’  
He nodded, relief calming him slightly.  
But he noticed death wasn’t saying something, not looking into his eyes.  
‘What’s wrong?’ He asks.

‘Dean wanted me to get you out and put a wall, blocking the memories of your time with your tormentors.’  
Sam flinched slightly at the thought.  
Death took a deep breathe, as if embarrassed. 

‘Regrettably, I underestimated the damage. I can’t do anything To help you. When you get out back into your body, you will remember the cage and what your soulless self did. I’m sorry.’ 

Sam shook his head almost laughing, ‘I don’t care, I just can’t go back to that place, I can handle a few memories. I won’t tell Dean if you don’t want me to, he doesn’t need anymore problems anyway.’ 

Death looked at Sam incredulously, a fond smile on his lips. ‘You Winchesters. One day you’ll look after yourself.’ 

‘Maybe, but today isn’t that day.’ 

Death walked over and placed his hand on Sam’s head, another bright light, then he opened his eyes, lying on the panic room bed. He panicked slightly at the feeling of the handcuffs. But calms himself. 

He looked over to see a key next to his hand, using it to undo the locks.  
Walking through the familiar house, he heard Dean and Bobby talking in the kitchen.  
Speeding up, with tears in his eyes, he walked on.

As he walked into the room, he saw Bobby and Dean, he could practically sob. He hadn’t seen them in so long, well, unless you include Lucifer dressing up as them. 

Dean turns to face him, ‘Sammy?’ He looks slightly worried but so relieved. Understandable, turns out ‘soulless Sam’ was an ass.  
Without saying a word, He pulled Dean into a tight hug; muscles tending as Dean put his arms around him, feeling trapped.

He could make it through this, he could.


	2. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying a slightly different style than I’m used to with this story, so forgive me if it’s slightly off. I hope you enjoy it!

Sam powered through the hearty sandwich in front of him, ignoring the taste of rotting flesh every time he took a bite. 

‘So you don’t remember anything?’ Dean questioned.   
‘No, I remember jumping into the hole with Lucifer, then I woke up in the panic room.’   
Sam hated lying through his teeth, but the glee in Dean’s face made it worth it.

‘So how long was I gone?’ Sam asked, genuinely curious.   
Dean looked at Bobby for a moment then hesitantly murmured, ‘a year and a half.’ 

Sam coughed on his food slightly, ‘What?’   
‘Yeah, I’m just glad you’re out now.’ Dean said, obviously lying.

Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean, and decided to ask what he already knew. ‘What did you do to get me out. And no bullshit.’ 

Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times then smiled sheepishly. ‘I, uh, kinda made a deal with death?’

Sam stared at him in disbelief, death said they didn’t make a deal?   
Before Sam could say anything, dean defended himself by saying ‘well, the deal didn’t actually go through but he got you out anyway.’ Sam shook his head, Dean would get himself killed again some day. 

Sam couldn’t help but be a bit jumpy, Bobby had been staring at him ever since he walked in, obviously not trusting him after the... _incident_ with his soulless self; but Sam, of course, shouldn’t remember that.

He smiled sheepishly at Bobby, ‘so, if it’s been so long, how’ve you guys been doing?’ Sam looks pointedly at Dean, ‘I thought I asked you to have a normal life, get out of all this?’ 

Dean looked over to Bobby for a moment, ‘I did, but a djinn tried to attack me while I was with Lisa and Ben, I couldn’t put them in danger like that.’   
Sam nodded, ‘I’m sorry, I know you care about them.’ 

Dean agreed silently then put his smile back on.   
‘Anyway, you must be tired, I know I sure as hell am.’  
Sam smiled at him, ‘yeah, I’m knackered. ‘

Sam stood up slowly, gave Dean another tight hug, and walked over to Bobby, who gingerly patted Sam on the back.  
Pretending not to notice, Sam pulled back and walked up into the shared bedroom, flopped onto the bed and squeezed his eyes shut. 

His ears rang with echos of his own screams, and his nose and mouth were filled with ash. He was so exhausted already.  
For a moment, he could hear the deep laughter of Lucifer, so close to him, he leaped out of the bed, hitting his back on the hard dresser.   
He looked around manically. But saw nothing.

Sam rubbed his face and shook out his head, laying back down.  
He drifted off to the sounds of the cage, in a way, it was more familiar than silence. 

*******************

Dean leaned against the counter as Sam walked up the stairs. Maybe it was just his imagination, but Sam didn’t look like he used to, maybe it was because of the soulless version, but it didn’t sit right with him. 

‘There’s something off.’ Murmured Bobby.   
Dean shook his head, ‘nah, he’s probably fine, he couldn’t fake that. Maybe his head is just a bit scrambled from the wall.’   
Bobby grunted noncommittally.

Dean’s head spun around as a gut wrenching scream came from upstairs.  
‘Shit,’ Dean whispered as he sprinted towards the piercing sound.

As he burst through the door to their room, he saw Sam writhing around on the bed, drenched in sweat and screaming bloody murder.  
Without a thought, Dean ran to Sam’s side, shaking his shoulders hard. 

‘Hey, Sammy? Wake up!’ Dean said, frustrated.   
Suddenly, Sam’s eyes snapped open, Dean had never seen so much fear, he whacked away Dean’s hands and pulled himself backwards. 

After a few seconds of shakiness, Sam calmed down, almost as if it never happened, he looked at Dean, confused, ‘why are you looking at me like that?’  
Dean coughed for a second, the wall must be doing its job, well, kind of   
‘Um, it’s nothing, I think you just had a bit of a nightmare.’ 

Sam looked at them with raised eyebrows, ‘oh, sorry? I guess?’ He chuckled slightly.  
Dean shook his head and walked over to his bed, exhausted. Falling asleep almost immediately.

Sam couldn’t help but shake, it felt like he’d been back there just seconds ago. He shuddered and leaned against the wall unable to sleep tucking his shaking hands around his knees, taking deep breathes of the fresher air. This was going to be a long night.


	3. Burn

Sam’s eyes felt gritty and heavy, he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in days, and the hunt Dean had them on certainly wasn’t helping.   
At that point Sam was pretty sure he could recount the pattern of Dean’s snores without even thinking about it; Sam was lucky he was used to so much sleep deprivation, college and hunting certainly taught him well. 

His nightmares had become quieter, after the first one he managed not to scream himself awake. Dean thought it was a one time thing, little did he know it happened whenever Sam so much as closed his eyes. 

Sam sighed and decided to carry on with the research, so far all he’d gotten out of it were dragons, which was absurd.

***********

Sam groaned in confusion, apparently, dragons weren’t so absurd.   
Dean looked his over with raised eyebrows, ‘You alright there Sammy?’ 

‘Yeah, yeah I’m good, it’s just, dragons? Seriously?’   
Dean shrugged and said ‘we’ve had weirder, and it’s not like they’re literal dragons.’ 

Sam agreed half-heartedly, closing his eyes for a second and immediately regretting it; as the deep blue flames of Lucifer licked at him.   
When he opened them again, Dean was watching him, concerned.

‘Why don’t you rest up a little, I need to go to that weird lady’s house to get a sword.’ Dean laughed at the last part.  
Sam smiled at him tiredly, ‘yeah, I should. I’ve been researching too long anyway.’ 

Sam’s smile tripped and fell right off his face as the door of the room shut. He was so fucking tired, but he couldn’t handle sleeping, it was even more exhausting.

For a moment, Sam felt as if somebody had placed a hand on his shoulder, jumping around, already reaching for the blade in his waistband, he saw nothing;   
Looking around manically, the fear dulled down.

He chuckled to himself, ‘God, I need sleep, I’m starting to fucking hallucinate.’   
As he started walking to his bed, he spotted the bottle of whiskey Dean kept for particularly rough hunts.   
Sam shrugged to himself, blacking out is better than nightmares.

After a few hours of a burning throat and a few empty bottles, Sam’s racing mind started to haze over, fuzziness entering the corners of his vision. His last coherent thought begging for an empty night. he finally collapsed into a deep sleep.

Sam opened his eyes, but not to the imposing morning sun and a surging hangover, but to a bright room, every inch of it covered with mirrors, it was impossible to see anything else except for himself, he couldn’t even distinguish the edges of the walls.

‘Hello?’ Sam called out uneasily.   
He heard footsteps behind him, turning around, he sees Dean.   
‘Dean? What’s going on?’   
A smile spread across Dean’s face, it was too intense, wrong.

‘Dean?’  
Sam asked again, but he just kept smiling, the telltale scent of burning flesh filled his nostrils, ‘No, no.’ He whispered, trying to get to Dean, but as soon as he tried to move, his hands and feet suddenly had heavy shackles on them. 

Right in front of Sam’s eyes, Dean started to burn, still with that smile on his face, as if nothing was wrong, as the flames started to reach his face, skin blistering and burning. Sam could handle it being done to himself, but not Dean, anyone but Dean. 

Sam tried to close his eyes, but couldn’t, like he didn’t know how.   
Tears stung his eyes, finally, he could move, as he ran to Dean’s side, the fire subsided, leaving the charred body of his brother, convulsing slightly, on the verge of death. 

‘Hey, hey Dean, it’s okay, you’ll be okay.’ Sam whispered to the choking man, even if he was still smiling, you wouldn’t be able to tell.  
Dean started desperately to pull himself away from Sam, terrified, Sam looked at him, confused, until he looked up, catching the sight of one of the mirrors, I see my own face, eyes the bright red colour of Lucifers, a cruel smirk on his lips, not a trace of his own fear and horror. 

**************

Sam wakes up to a heavy knocking on the motel door, bleary eyed, he stood up, groaning as the blood rushes from his head, a heavy banging in his skull, he stumbled over to the door and yanked it open, he saw an annoyed man. 

‘What?’ Sam asked, frustrated.   
‘What do you mean, ‘what?’ Half the fucking motel can hear you.’  
Sam looked at him confused, ‘I’m sorry? I was sleeping, man.’

The guy looked him over, he probably looked like a mess. A burst of pity crept onto his face, he sighed, ‘Okay, whatever.’ 

Sam nodded at him, his sore throat giving a slight inclination to what exactly they heard. He smiled sheepishly.

‘Could you not tell the guy I’m sharing the room with, he doesn’t really know.’  
He looked as if he was about to protest, but sighed, mumbling out that it’s none of his business. 

Sam thanked him and closed the door, rubbing his temples and popping a few aspirin. Looking at his watch, he saw that he’d only been asleep for forty five minutes.   
He threw the bottles out and stepped into the shower, after only a few seconds the warm water reminded him too much of the burning cage, but the cold only reminding him of Lucifer.

With an angry groan, he punched the wall of the shower, instantly regretting it as his arm burst into pain.  
Lethargically, he put his clothes back on and drank as much coffee as he could stomach.

After a few minutes, his phone started to buzz, seeing it was Dean he quickly answered.   
‘Dean? What’s up?’ He asks.  
‘Heyy Sammy, I’ve, uh, run into some trouble.’  
A loud roar was heard over the speakers, Sam rubbed his face in annoyance.  
‘Please don’t tell me you went after them by yourself.’  
The line was quiet for a moment, before Dean spoke, ‘Hey, i wanted to get it done while you were asleep, I wanted you to get some rest.’ 

Sam smiled slightly, ‘tell me where you are, I’m coming now.’ 

Sam grabbed his gear and walked out of the room, wide awake for the first time in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not too sure about this work, but I hope you guys are liking it, leave a comment if there’s anything you think I should work on, I’m still a beginner lmao, enjoy!


	4. Absent

Sam walked as quickly as he could out of the grimy motel, then cursed himself as he realised he didn’t have a car.   
He rolled his eyes as he walked up to one of the older models, jamming the tool through the gap in the window.   
He looked around, making sure no one could see him as he heard the lock click. 

As he opened the door, he felt eyes on his back, but after looking around and seeing nothing, he got into the car.   
He tapped along to the song on the radio as he drove, trying to keep his eyes occupied so they wouldn’t slide shut. 

As he drove through the dark, he felt like someone was watching him again, it was unnerving.

****************

Dean leaped out of the way from a spray of fire, trying desperately to keep a grip on the melting sword.   
‘Goddamn it Sammy, where are you?’  
Dean whispered to himself, it felt like he’d been fighting for hours, he just couldn’t get a good hit in.

He was kicked out of his thoughts as one of them scratched his arm, making him drop his only weapon; ‘shit.’ Dean pronounced, eyes wide.   
The dragon grinned ear to ear, knowing he’d won. Dean shut his eyes, waiting for the final blow.

But it never came, Dean opened his eyes to Sam barrelling into the dragon in front of him, taking him by surprise.  
While holding him down the best he can, Sam turns to Dean, giving a lopsided grin, obviously still exhausted, Dean inwardly cringed at the sight. 

The grin is wiped off his face as the man shaped creature flings him backwards.   
‘Sam!’ Dean shouted, turning to see him flying backwards; but unable to go after him, there were too many. 

**************

Sam’s head slowly cleared, and the ringing died down, as he turned to face where Dean was, he saw him being surrounded, scrambling to get up, he caught a glimpse of something, he looked over the edge of the platform to see half a sword, the one Dean went to get? 

He reached down and picked it up, ignoring the deep, familiar, burning in his palm.  
As he turned back to fight, one of the dragon’s flames caught onto his jacket, flashes of every second of his time in the cage came rushing back, the constant burning he was trying so hard to forget.

Without thinking, he pulled off the burnt garment, but still felt it lingering, his body was acting on impulse, but everything he saw was a haze, like it wasn’t even reality. Sound was dimmed, he could barely hear Dean call his name as he desperately fought against his opponents, he couldn’t see, it was all a blur, his peripheral vision framed by the cage walls, which was reality? 

He was panicking, but nothing was happening, his muscles moved in autopilot, he flung the sword to Dean with the precision of their years of work together, he punched and fought, all the while Sam screamed, kicking to move, but the walls were closing in, and he was back, it was all a game, every second of it.

The scalding metal of the heavy manacles returned to his wrists, the scene disappeared around him, revealing the cage he’d grown accustomed to. 

‘You know, Sammy, even when put in the most insane situations, you always believe it! I mean, Death bringing you back? Dragons? Come on, you can do better than that!’ 

Sam whipped himself around to see Lucifer sat nonchalantly in front of him, grinning like a Cheshire Cat.   
Sam’s eyes filled with tears, he thought he was free.   
‘Aw are you upset? God, we should do this more often, don’t you think, Sammy?’ 

Sam took a few breathes, ‘don’t call me that.’ He croaked out.   
For a moment, Sam couldn’t believe what had come out of his own mouth, he barely had time to prepare before Lucifer’s frozen hand pressed against his throat. 

‘Or maybe not, it makes you all _brave_ , but it’s okay, we can fix that again.’   
Sam’s breathe caught in his throat at the words, he wanted to beg and apologise, but bit his tongue, he couldn’t. 

Lucifer pulled a jagged blade from what seemed like nowhere, and put it against his chest, dragging it upwards and sawing away at the skin and muscle underneath, Sam could feel the strands of nerves and muscle snapping apart and tearing, his whole body exploding in pain.

Sam managed to stop himself from screaming, breathing heavily, he smiled up at the Devil, ‘you’re gonna have to try harder than that,’ he wheezed, but Lucifer just grinned, ‘oh, Sam, you know I always do what you ask,’ he sang, running the blade through the mangled flesh.

Lucifer placed the blade on the blistering ground, allowing it to glow with heat, once it was nearly sticking to the dark surface, he lifted it and thrusted it through Sam’s body, and then again, and again, and again. Slashing, stabbing, it never stopped, every inch of him was in agony, and he screamed, a deep groan turning into a high pitched whimper of agony. 

‘You’re never getting out, Sam, don’t make that mistake again, do you understand?’ Sam’s whole body shuddered at the voice, nodding slightly, ‘Answer me!’ Lucifer bellowed at him, making him shake in fear, ‘y-yes.’ Sam whispered, unable to speak anymore.

Lucifer’s grin returned once again, Sam’s shoulders relaxed slightly, but then he started to walk away, he didn’t understand why until he felt the heat surround him, he was being burnt alive, flashes of Dean came back to him, but quickly diminished, Dean wasn’t coming for him. Only agony was. 

****************

Dean had his hands on his knees, breathing deeply after the fight, he looked over to Sam, seeing a slightly absent look in his eyes, ‘heya Sammy, good job there, you saved my ass.’ Dean shouted over to him, Sam looked up and smiled at him, ‘thanks, although I’m not gonna forgive you for coming here by yourself.’ 

Sam looked at him pointedly, as Dean smiled sheepishly.  
Sam shook his head and clapped Dean on the back, they walked out together.

Dean walked ahead slightly, as Sam tried to decide whether he was truly in reality, the pain was subsiding, but the burning never truly goes away. He shakes his head, even if this is all an illusion, he could make the most of it. Plastering a smile on his face, he jogged to catch up with Dean as he rambled about taking down ‘literal dragons Sammy!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer:I’ve never experienced ptsd or anything in that regard, so I apologise if anything is inaccurate, thank you for reading and leave any feedback if you want, enjoy!


	5. Real life

Sam leaped out his bed, it was morning and Lucifer had finally let him have another day with Dean, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. 

He looked at his phone to see it was early in the morning, not wanting to waste the time, he got up to go get food for himself and Dean.

**************

Dean woke up slowly to the sound of Sam humming and the door clicking shut, he groaned groggily and looked over to where Sam was, he rubbed his face, relieved.  
The past week had been confusing, some days Sam would look like he was half dead, and some days he’d be like this, as happy as fucking sunshine. 

Sam looked over to him, seeing that he was awake he sent a toothy grin his way, Dean couldn’t help but smile, whenever Sam smiled, even though it was worryingly infrequent, it was as if he was a kid again. 

Dean got up lazily, seeing there was food on the flimsy bar of the kitchen, after a few moments he said, ‘so, it’s a good day?’  
Sam looked at him for a moment, as if he were conflicted, then broke out into another smile, ‘yeah, Dean, one of the best.’ 

Dean would have pushed, but he couldn’t bring himself to shatter that joyous expression on his little brother’s face, he’d find out, though, at some point.  
He decided to leave the thought behind as he saw Sam’s choice of an egg and bacon sandwich.

‘I’m pretty sure this is what you’d get?’  
Dean looked him over for a second, confused at the apprehension on Sam’s face. ‘Yeah, wouldn’t of gone for anything different.’ 

Immediately, Sam’s shoulders relaxed, Dean shrugged and walked away, it had been so long, Sam thought, he could barely remember Dean’s order between the days he got to see him, it had been so long since the last time, felt like years for sure. 

He banished the thoughts, he wouldn’t be upset while with Dean. The time was too precious. 

****************

It had been a peaceful day, no life threatening hunts, or endangered phone calls, just some crappy TV and some research, it was the happiest Sam had felt in his life, he found himself thanking Lucifer for it, but immediately stopped himself, he wouldn’t fall that low. 

It started to get late, but Sam couldn’t bare to let this day go yet.  
Dean started to stand and go to his bed, Sam timidly asked, ‘Hey, Dean, could you stay up a bit longer? Please?’

Before turning around, he groaned in annoyance. ‘Sammy, it’s 1am, we have to do a ton of driving tomorrow and I’m exhaust-‘ He paused as he saw Sam’s face, tears gathering slightly in his eyes. 

Before he could speak, Sam said ‘no, no you’re right, get some rest.’ He forced a watery smile.  
Dean shook his head defiantly, ‘No, Sam you need to tell me what’s wrong, you’ve been all over the place ever since that dragon hunt.’

Dean went to place his hand on Sam’s arm, but pulled back when he flinched away slightly, he was about to ask more until he saw Sam looking like a deer in the headlights.  
‘Hey, Sammy, calm down, it’s okay.’ He cooed quietly, but it was like Sam couldn’t quite hear him, Dean was worried for a second, what if the wall was breaking? 

He quickly discarded the idea, not wanting it to be true.  
After nearly half an hour, Sam started to come back to himself, the glaze in his eyes faded, and his breathing returned to normal, Dean was developing a headache from the worry. 

To Dean’s shock, the second Sam calmed down, he broke down, thankfully, Dean knew how to handle a crying Sam, he pulled him against his chest, holding his head slightly, it was like he was trying to say something but couldn’t quite get the words out between sobs. 

‘Shhh Sam, take a few deep breathes, then tell me what you’re going to say, yeah?’ Dean asked, trying to compromise with him, he nodded slightly, squeezing his eyes shut.  
Dean tried to mask his worry, but he couldn’t help it, Sam had been acting wrong since he got back, he knew he shouldn’t have expected the wall to be perfect, but this was ridiculous.

Sam hiccuped slightly, finally starting to get his emotion under his control, ‘sorry,’ he whispered, voice cracking.  
Dean allowed out a bark of laughter, ‘Sam, you have nothing to apologise for.’ 

Sam shook his head hard, ‘no, I shouldn’t be acting like this, I don’t know what’s going on.’  
Dean sighed, at least he didn’t remember anything.

‘Tell you what, I’ll stay up with you for as long as you’re awake, okay?’ Dean asked, just wanting Sam to be okay.  
The man looked at him thankfully, his eyes saying everything he couldn’t.

They sat together, some old movie playing in the background, a comfortable silence, Sam fought to keep his eyes open, but could feel them being clamped shut, the familiar tingle of the flames filled his fingers. 

‘See you next time, big brother.’ He thought to himself, as the sound of crackling flames and Michael’s enraged shouts filled his senses. 

***************

Dean watched as Sam slept peacefully next to him, thoughts churning through his head.  
He rubbed his face, deciding to call Bobby the next day, he always knew what to do. 

Death watched the two men, he shouldn’t care, truly he shouldn’t, but he just wanted to shout at Sam, telling him that _this_ was the real world, tell him to allow Dean and his friends to help him, tell him to put himself first this time, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t help, couldn’t interfere, and, for once; he didn’t even know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know this is starting to be a lot like season 7’s Sam storyline buttt I’m not that original lmao.  
> Thanks for reading and leave any feedback if you want to, thanks again and enjoy!


	6. Clear

Dean watched Sam pensively as he slept, his eyes moved erratically behind their lids, it reminded Dean of Sam’s nightmares when he found out the supernatural were real. 

Dean leaned heavily on the hard chair, as he closed his burning eyes.   
‘Dean’  
He leaped to his feet as the gruff voice resounded around the room. 

‘Goddammit Cas, you have to stop doing that.’   
Cas’ eyes narrowed slightly. ‘Sorry.’ 

His eyes drifted around the room and landed on Sam, ‘it worked?’ He asked, almost shocked.  
‘Yeah, Cas it did.’ Dean allowed a genuine smile, because however rough around the edges it was, it worked. 

Cas looked around the room, then said ‘could I have a moment alone with him?’   
Dean was taken aback, but nodded and walked out, he trusted Cas and needed a break anyway. 

*****************

Cas watched Sam’s chaotic mind, racing from one memory to another, shaking him awake and dodging his flailing limbs, he watched Sam come to his senses, the primal fear dissipating slowly.

Sam blinked a few times, ‘Cas?’   
‘Hello, Sam.’  
Sam watched Cas’ face, trying to figure out if this was a continuation of his time with Dean, or if he was really there to save him. The unmoving expression confirmed that he was probably real.

‘Are you here to get me out?’ Sam asked quietly, he knew he shouldn’t allow himself to feel hope, but he couldn’t help the glimmer in his chest. 

Cas looked confused for a second, before it all clicked into place, a crushing feeling of sadness attacked him, he knew Sam wouldn’t be able to survive it with his mind intact. 

Cas kneeled next to Sam, careful not to startle the man.   
‘Sam, I know this must be hard to believe, but you have to understand that this is the real world, when you go to sleep, it’s only memories, fragments of your soul tormenting you because of the damage.’

The fuzzy look on Sam’s face worried Cas, maybe he’d been too forward?  
At this moment, Sam started to laugh, it startled Cas, the manic sound unusual for the younger brother.   
He calmed down and said, ‘really, Luci? This is your plan? It won’t work again.’ 

By the end of the statement, all humour left him, Cas’ fear increased; he racked his brain for any way to convince him.   
‘Just think, everything that has happened in the cage, is anything new since after you thought you got out? I know it’s hard, but just really think.’ 

Sam was silent for a moment, an array of emotions billowing from him every second as he thought.   
‘I- I suppose?’ He asked. Cas smiled slightly, ‘exactly. Death got you out, remember?’ He decided to leave out the part about him trying but failing miserably in the first place.

Sam wanted to laugh again, but also wanted to scream and cry, he knew Cas was just another one of Lucifer’s figments, everything he experiences is new and just as painful, it’s impossible for it to be a dream. How could he have thought otherwise? He decided to play along, Lucifer seemed to keep the timeline of his time with Dean rather steady, and he didn’t want to be in a psych ward everytime Lucifer gave him a break.

Sam agreed silently, ‘he told me I wouldn’t be able to handle it.’ He murmured.  
Cas raised his eyebrows, ‘I thought he tried to put a wall between the memories?’ 

Sam scoffed, ‘he said that he underestimated how bad it was and he couldn’t do anything.’   
Cas stayed silent for a moment, processing it, ‘and you didn’t tell Dean?’ 

Sam smiled sheepishly, ‘I didn’t want him to have anymore on his plate, he was so happy when i got out, I couldn’t do that to him.’   
Cas deflated, he shouldn’t have been surprised, Sam was the most self deprecating person he knew. 

‘He needs to know, Sam.’   
Sam shook his head, looking slightly panicked, ‘No, please don’t tell him, I’ll tell him if it gets too much, I promise.’ 

Cas watched him, trying to decide what to do, he didn’t want to take away this last bit of control Sam had. He sighed,  
‘I’m going to keep an eye on you, okay?’ 

Sam smiled at him, deep down, he was glad he had somebody who knew, ‘thank you, Cas.’   
Cas stood up, then held out his arms awkwardly, cringing slightly at himself.

Sam raised his eyebrows, then Cas muttered ‘don’t humans embrace each other after an experience like this?’   
Sam chuckled at the angel, and hugged him tight, after a few seconds he whispered ‘this is where you normally hug back.’ 

Cas hugged Sam back, a bit harder then necessary but it was a comfort. Sam clapped Cas’ back then pulled away. 

After a few moments of silence, Cas got a message from heaven, before leaving he said ‘maybe you should go to one of those support groups? I hear they help a lot, there are many people who’s heavens are their therapy groups, you could benefit from it.’ 

Sam nodded at him, ‘I’ll check some out.’   
Cas smiled slightly, then opened his mouth and closed it again, before walking out. 

As Cas left, he saw dean leaning against the wall, he straightened up as he saw Cas. ‘You have a nice little moment?’ Dean asked, grinning.   
Cas crumpled his face in confusion, ‘I believe I was in there for longer than a moment.’ 

‘I- you know what it doesn’t matter.’ Dean laughed. ‘So are we gonna be seeing you more from now on?’ He asked.

‘Unfortunately not, heaven still needs a lot more from me. But you two should manage, but Dean, be careful with Sam.’ Cas said pointedly, attempting to convey what he had to without words.   
Dean nodded wordlessly, then patted him on the arm, ‘I will, Cas, see you soon.’ 

As soon as he’d finished speaking, Cas flapped off, sighing, Dean walked back into the room to see Sam looking through their notes for the next hunt, he looked up to Dean with a tired smile. 

‘You alright today?’ Dean questioned cautiously.   
‘Yeah, I’m sorry about last night, I don’t know why I felt like that.’   
Dean nodded, satiated by the words.

Sam hated lying through his teeth, but the relief on his brother’s face was impossible to break for his own problems.   
Sam scolded himself for ever having hope that Cas was there to save him, he still prayed that Cas, or anybody would get him out one day, but it seems that today certainly isn’t it.  
As Sam thought over Lucifer’s latest attempts at playing with him, it was getting harder and harder to see through the cracks.  
Lucifer was getting smarter. It terrified him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is boring, it was kind of a filler, thanks for reading and leave feedback if you want, enjoy!


	7. Tainted

Sam sighed into his drink as he watched Dean hussle one of the idiots who couldn’t tell their mouth from their ass.  
He rubbed the back of his aching neck and rolled it.

‘Rough day?’ Sam jumped slightly at the voice, but looked up to see the bartender watching him expectantly.  
He smiled tiredly, ‘more like rough year.’ He couldn’t be bothered to lie, and his third drink was starting to loosen his lips.

The young man laughed and shook his head slightly, ‘I feel that one, man.’  
Sam looked over again to Dean to see he was no where near done, he groaned under his breathe and laid his head in his hands, he knew that he should savour this time, but sometimes it was almost as exhausting as hell. 

He was about to order another drink but before he could get a word out the man behind the bar slid him one, ‘you look like you need it, on the house.’ he grinned slightly, Sam smiled lightly back, he didn’t think he had enough money for it anyway.

‘What’s your name?’ Sam asked.  
‘Davey, you?’   
Sam hesitated for a moment, then said ‘Sam.’   
Davey smiled at him, ‘well, nice to meet you Sam.’ 

Sam pushed out another smile then went back to his drink.   
Davey must’ve seen Sam looking over at Dean, and said, slightly suspiciously, ‘you know him?’   
Sam glanced over to him, ‘yeah, my brother.’  
He nodded, ‘I only served him one beer and he looks hammered.’

Sam had to hold back a laugh, ‘a lightweight.’ Was all he could say.   
Sam could tell he didn’t believe him, ‘and should you be letting him throw his money away like that?’ He asked, as he pointed his head in the direction of the wad of cash Dean had just laid down, quickly joined by a pile of the same size from his opponent. 

Sam shrugged half heartedly, ‘his money, he can do what he wants.’   
Davey just sighed.  
Just as Sam was turning back to the bar, he saw something in the corner of the room, after looking for a few moments he saw the familiar figure of Lucifer grinning at him.

His whole body tensed up as he stiffly turned away, pretending not to notice him, but his brain was running at a mile a second, why was he here?  
Lucifer sat in the chair next to him, ‘I know you can see me, Sam.’ He sang, Sam just turned to face Dean, hoping beyond hope that he’d leave.  
Lucifer placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder, making him flinch, ‘I know I said I’d let you have this place to yourself, but I got bored.’ 

Sam could hear the cruel smile in his voice, like a blade pressed against his throat.   
‘Please don’t do this.’ Sam whispered, Lucifer’s deep, grating laugh clawed through Sam. 

‘And why would I do that? This is so much better.’   
‘Dean will see you, and he’ll try to get rid of you.’ Sam attempted.

Lucifer’s laughter returned, and he got closer to Sam, he could feel his breathe burning his shoulder like a brand, ‘they can’t see me, Sammy, and if you tell them, well, this little _sanctuary_ of yours will fall apart, they’ll think you’re insane, and you’ll be in a padded cell whenever i decide to put you there.’ 

Sam could feel tears welling up, this was supposed to be somewhere Lucifer wouldn’t destroy, but as always, he strives to taint every second of Sam’s life.   
Sam’s clenched fists were aching and he could taste the coppery liquid slip down his throat as he bit his tongue. 

‘I’ll always be here, Sam, this is _my_ world, and I can tear it away whenever I want, you should be thanking me.’   
The command in his tone left no room to breathe, Sam stayed silent, resolve shattering with every second, Lucifer ran a knife like finger over Sam’s arm, burning pain blossoming in his veins, he looked around for a moment, trying not to make a sound. 

‘Tha- thank you.’ Sam forced out, every ounce of his being protesting against it, Lucifer’s smile was back, ‘there, that wasn’t too hard, was it?’   
Sam didn’t move, ‘well, I’ll let you run this over, you can decide wether you even still want this place.’ 

Sam let out a strained breathe as Lucifer faded away, he knew this was all a ploy to make Sam give away his safe place, but he wouldn’t do it, he couldn’t leave Dean, real or not.

He was brought back into the present time as he heard a shout of anger from the man with Dean, ‘that’s not fair! You were shit until this last game!’ The guy’s face was bright pink. 

As always, Dean just chuckled as he scooped up the money, ‘sorry, pal, maybe you had one too many.’   
Sam rolled his eyes and drained his glass, throwing his bill next to it, Davey watched him, barely restraining his annoyance purely for customer service, Sam just shrugged, too exhausted and frazzled to sugarcoat it. ‘everyone needs to pay the bills, sorry buddy.’ He genuinely felt bad, it was never good business to have a hussle go down. 

To his surprise, when he turned around he saw the man punched dean square in the face, knocking him onto the ground, Sam got up as quick as he could and wrestled the oversized child off Dean, holding him in a choke hold.

As Dean started to get back up, the man bit Sam’s hand, hissing in pain he pulled back, allowing enough time for his to throw a punch, but it was sloppy and Sam easily dodged it, pushing his arm away and throwing his own hit, as he tried to regain his balance, Sam hit him again, and again and again, the face morphing from the drunken man to Lucifer, the bloody face switching to the grinning devil.

Through the haze, he vaguely heard Dean, he punched him one more time, knocking him out, the red surrounding his vision slowly faded as he turned back to his brother, Dean watched him with shock but thankfully not horror, Sam shrugged slightly, an attempt at a smile coating his face.

Dean shook his head slightly, ‘let’s go. We’ll talk about this later.’ Dean whispered, grabbing Sam by the arm and dragging him out.

***************

Sam felt better than he had in a while, the burning in his knuckles keeping him grounded. They were in the impala and Dean kept glancing over to him, finally, he opened his mouth to speak; ‘So, what was that? I mean, I would’ve done the same, but I’m not used to you doing anything like that.’ 

Sam knew the unspoken truth, it reminded him too much of his soulless past, but he shouldn’t know that. He shook his head, ‘I don’t know, as soon as he got out the hold I just got pissed off.’ He knew it was lame but he couldn’t tell the truth. 

Dean just laughed humourlessly, ‘we both know that’s not true.’   
Sam groaned and looked out of the window, wondering how much he could get away with saying.  
‘I- I know it sounds crazy, but he just reminded me too much of Lucifer, and, and it worried me.’ Sam cringed inwardly at the words coming out of his mouth, the guy was nothing like Lucifer. 

Dean looked at him, worried, ‘do you think the wall is getting weak or something?’   
Sam agreed, glad for the excuse, ‘yeah, maybe.’   
Dean just nodded, then said, ‘well, you’ve definitely improved your form.’  
Sam laughed at the attempt to lighten the mood, but he dreaded what was to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one’s a bit longer than usual, thanks for everyone who’s been reading and leave feedback if you want, I know this is still very similar to the season 7 storyline but it’s hard to completely diverge lmao, thanks again and enjoy!


	8. Unsafe

Sam’s body felt like it was going to fall apart, his every muscle had been tensed for the past day, Lucifer would pop out when he least expect it, and it was exhausting to pretend to not notice when he’s driving a blunt knife through his brother, and also himself, thankfully Dean didn’t seem to notice, but Sam felt the pain every time, he had to force himself to smile through the agony. 

They were on some sort of hunt, Sam couldn’t pay attention long enough to even know what they were against.   
Dean was rambling on about something, Sam managed to smile and chuckle whenever Dean looked over at him with a smile, he quietly thanked himself that he knew Dean well enough to get away with it.

He was angry at first, how dare Lucifer ruin this as well, it wasn’t perfect but it was safe, a place Sam knew he’d get to every now and then, but now he didn’t know wether he dreaded the cage or this place more, but he carried on, he had to, the time in the cage was becoming longer, and he caught himself forgetting what Dean looked like time and time again, it terrified him. 

He was brought back to reality as Dean slammed on the brakes at a red light, Sam rolled his eyes, one day they were actually going to crash.   
Dean smiled slightly, ‘Sorry Sammy.’ 

Dean stretched out his toes, glad that his plan knocked Sam out of his little dream world, he hadn’t spoken properly all day and he no doubt thought Dean didn’t notice, his heart sank at the thought of Sam not being able to tell him something, he knew he could sometimes be hotheaded but the distant look constantly on Sam’s face was beginning to get to him. 

Dean kept racking his brain for something to say, normally he could ramble for hours, but for once his mind was blank.  
To his surprise, Sam spoke first, ‘so go over our plan again?’ Dean scoffed ‘we haven’t got a plan yet, Sam, we don’t even know what it is.’ 

Sam shakes his head ‘exactly, so we need to think of plan before diving in like usual.’ He said as he tried to save himself, he really needed to listen more.   
Dean groaned and rubbed his eyes, Sam desperately looked to the road to make sure there wasn’t a random civilian. 

‘We’ll work everything out when we get there,’ Dean said, preparing for Sam to argue, but he stayed silent, Dean looked over to see Sam resting his head against the window, trying to rest.

Sam closed his eyes as he tried to block out Lucifer replaying his own screams and pleads in his ears, he could barely hear what Dean said and it felt like his brain was going to start pouring out. 

He gripped his jeans as hard as he could, trying not to shout at the Devil.  
‘What’s wrong little Winchester? I thought all humans loved the sound of their own voice?’   
Lucifers voice made Sam feel sick, he moved further away, trying to make it seem like he was just getting comfortable.

Lucifer pressed his fingers over Sam’s throat, slightly constricting his breathing, he cursed himself for fearing him, he’d hoped he’d get used to his presence but if anything it was getting worse. 

Sam absently rubbed his neck, trying to remove the trace of his touch, trying not to grimace.   
He looked over to Dean to see him tapping the wheel, only then did he realise the radio was on.   
He turned it up higher, making Dean raise his eyebrows but smile, it helped a little bit, Lucifer’s voice became fainter. 

After a few hours, they finally pulled into a diner, Sam was starving, he tried to ignore Lucifer’s menacing laughter.   
They sat in one of the corner booths, and, of course, Dean tried unsuccessfully to get the cute waitresses number, Sam didn’t bother covering his laughter as she laughed at him pitifully.

Dean pouted at Sam as she walked away, Sam tried to swallow down his laughter, ‘you’re too old Dean.’ Sam coughed out.  
Dean had a look of mock offence on his face before a smile shone through, happy that Sam was laughing. 

After a while, their food came over, Sam nervously glanced over to Lucifer, a shit eating grin on his face.   
As soon as he put the fork into his mouth, he knew why Lucifer was so happy, the food dissolved into rotting dirt in his mouth, the scent of decomposing corpses attacked his nose, the taste tearing up his throat. 

He coughed slightly, and took a heavy swig of his drink, Dean looked at him, mouth full of fries, ‘wrong pipe.’ Sam croaked out, Dean nodded and looked back at his food adoringly, Sam glared at the Devil sitting way too close to him.

‘Oh, what’s wrong? You didn’t think I’d let you eat in peace, did you? You need to remember that whenever you’re with me, you will never get what you want, unless I choose for you to, do you understand that?’ 

Sam nodded discreetly, and Lucifer patted his back, ‘good, now eat up! Wouldn’t want Dean to be suspicious, would you?’   
Sam shut his eyes for a second, shakily reaching for his fork. 

Every mouthful was torture, he could feel it fester and burn in his stomach, trailing sluggishly down his oesophagus.   
The grains of rot sowed itself into his tongue, and whatever he drank it wouldn’t go away, wether it was his coke or Dean’s beer, it all turned to blood in his mouth. 

The metallic tang in his mouth was unnervingly similar to the demons, it was so much worse than the food.   
A lump grew in his throat and his eyes stung, he finally managed to finish eating, with enough time to cover his distress from Dean. 

‘I need to go to the bathroom quick.’ Sam muttered, patting Dean’s shoulder as he went past, he hurried to the bathrooms and slammed into one of the stalls.  
He heaved heavily over the toilet, throat convulsing and burning as he vomited. 

He rubbed his eyes afterwards, trying to still the watering in his eyes. As he looked down, he jumped back in horror as he saw lumps of flesh and gore scattering the room, he slid down the wall, trying to get away but not being able to move the lock, Lucifer stood over him, watching him with cruel eyes, ‘give it up Sam, it will only get worse.’ 

Sam shook his head so hard it made him want to vomit again. ‘No.’ He growled out.  
Lucifer’s shoulders fell as he huffed, ‘it’s only a matter of time.’ He said before disappearing along with the gore, Sam sheepishly looked into the toilet only to see his regurgitated salad, cringing, he flushed it away. 

He walked out of the stall and to the sinks, looking at his face to see he looked like an utter mess, he washed his face and dried his eyes, practicing a solid smile.   
‘You’re okay, Sam.’ He whispered to himself.

A man gingerly opened the door to his stall, looking at Sam worriedly.   
Sam scratched the back of his neck, ‘sorry.’   
The man just walked out, keeping as far from Sam as he could, he shook his head, great, even strangers seemed to hate him. 

He walked out of the room and back to the table, his shoulders ached and felt heavy. 

‘So, should we go?’ He asked, Dean turned to him and nodded, he wiped his hands on his jeans, as he got up Sam smiled at him, the thinly veiled plea in his eyes never quite reaching his brother, the need to be heard, because he would be lying if he said he could make it much longer.  
But he was okay, he had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was a bit weak, thanks again to everyone who’s actually reading this , feel free to give feedback if you want, thanks again and enjoy!


	9. Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: kind of self harm so I You are triggered by those sorts of things avoid the part between the sets of *****

Sam laid on the hard motel bed, eyes wide but begging for sleep, he couldn’t face it yet, last time was too much, it felt like over a hundred years once again, he prayed silently for anybody to make it fucking stop, tears streamed down his face, silent sobs racked his body, he knew he would fall asleep any second. 

Dean was looking at the wall, he desperately wanted to turn around to just see Sam, he knew he wasn’t sleeping, and it was killing him.  
Dean’s mind went back to the morning, Sammy had been so quiet the whole drive to the motel, something was bugging him since the diner, Dean had just put it down to him eating something bad.

####### 

He’d woken up to see Sam staring into the distance, looking pretty dazed, Dean thought nothing of it until he was looking the exact same after he’d showered and had been talking for a solid ten minutes, ‘Hey, Sammy? You alright?’   
Sam’s eyes drifted to Dean, but it was like he saw right through him, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

‘Who are you?’   
In that moment Dean’s heart dropped to his feet, he immediately wracked his brain, trying to remember any witch hunts they’d been on, maybe the current case had them? He laughed nervously, ‘what do you mean? It’s me, Dean.’ 

For a few tense moments, there was no recollection in his eyes, Dean could feel a lump building in his throat.  
Suddenly, Sam shook his head hard, the vacancy in his eyes faded away, and after a moment of confusion, horror filled his features, ‘I- I’m sorry, I don’t know what just happened.’ He stammered. 

Lucifer’s hysterical laughter echoed in Sam’s ears, he scowled slightly, the Devil was practically in tears in the corner of the room.   
Sam looked up at Dean and he felt his insides squeeze together at the sight of Dean’s face, he shook his head slightly, ‘looks like we’re dealing with witches, we might have to check out the people in that diner, I got weird vibes off them anyway.’ He said, thankfully he’d stayed up all night doing research and he could actually confirm this white lie. 

Immediately, Dean’s apprehension faded, Sam smiled to himself, they say people believe everything they want to hear without a second thought, I guess they were right. 

########

Dean wanted to rip the lungs out of whatever witch bitch did this, making his Sammy so fucked up for the entire day. He’d been keeping an extremely close eye on him since the incident, but he seemed to be okay, maybe a little jumpy but it’s to be expected, he supposed. He took a deep breathe and sighed in relief as he heard Sam’s breathing even out, hearing him fall asleep finally, he closed his eyes.

Sam jumped to attention, praying he hadn’t quite drifted off, but that hope was destroyed as the crackling of fire surrounded him, his body collapsed into the flames.   
As Lucifer’s silhouette came from the shadows, the only thing Sam could say was ‘please remember Dean, please remember Dean.’ 

It was amazing how after a few decades Sam lost all sense, every time he’d lose everything that made him himself, his thoughts themselves seemed to erase themselves as soon as they formed, the only memory seemed to be of the cage.

All Sam could try to do was hold onto the little things, whenever he was brought back, he’d look at the scars of his hunting life, the faint burning finger marks from his first hunt just with Dean, the bullet wound from the wolf hunt, all the small marks held a precious memory, but even then they were fading, he couldn’t remember where the multiple cuts on his hands and wrists had originated from, although he knew they were probably for some sort of ritual. 

But it never lasted long, Lucifer would slash and carve until he didn’t have an ounce of his original self left.  
Right now, he was strategically removing every bone in his left arm, thrusting them back into his body at random points, the pulsing pain of having his radius sticking out of his liver never quite allowing him a break. 

‘Please, just let me go back for one more day.’ Sam croaked out, voice cracking at the use of his flaming and snapped vocal chords.   
Lucifer just smiled, ‘I’m not the only reason you’re still here.’ He stated, calculating eyes still resting on his arm. 

Sam shut his eyes and groaned, he knew he was partly at fault, he was used to the agony, he knew he could survive it, but he didn’t know if he could survive with Dean believing he was crazy, the incident from last time left a lingering hesitance within him.

While the thoughts still raced through his mind, the decision was made for him, with a triumphant cry, Lucifer finally managed to pry out the last bone in his finger, he then said ‘you know what? I’ll send you back, but don’t think I’ll make it easy.’ The ever present smile gracing his lips, within the same second, he jammed the bone through his neck and into his throat, Sam tried to suck in air but couldn’t, he couldn’t even gasp.

His eyes opened as the sun rose, his hand instantly went to his neck to feel it was fine, he shook off the panic from his previous asphyxiation.  
He held his head in his hands, feeling the dried tears on his face. 

He practically laughed as he felt Lucifer’s frozen hand on his shoulder, typical that he would barely have a few seconds as a break.   
‘What’s wrong, Sammy? You said you wanted to come back.’   
Sam took his head out of his hands and looked to the devil, tempted to just slap the thing.

He looked over to Dean to see he was completely knocked out.   
He walked out into the bathroom, locking the door.  
He sat on the floor, not caring how dirty the place was.  
He stared at the drawers, trying to ignore Lucifer poking and prodding at him. 

Suddenly, Lucifer grabbed his head, forcing him to look into his eyes, Sam’s blood turned to ice, the anger in his eyes he’d only seen once before, when they first ended up in the cage, he was so, so angry, Sam’s body started shaking in response, his usually joking smile morphed into a sharp, cruel grin. 

‘I’ve told you before, Sam. I don’t like when you ignore me.’ His voice seemed otherworldly, deeper than should be possible, he gulped but said nothing.   
A hunting knife materialised in Lucifer’s hand. ‘From now on, you’ll learn to pay attention to me.’ 

If this were any other situation, Sam would laugh at the childish statement, but the knife held at his chest deterred him.   
Lucifer pressed the knife against his skin, Sam could feel the sharp edge cutting through the first few layers of his skin.  
Sam stayed silent once more, defiantly looking into Lucifer’s eyes.

*********** 

Lucifer gritted his teeth, slashing the knife through him, Sam squeezed his eyes shut, keeping quiet.   
He cut, again and again, until Sam finally let out a small groan of pain.   
Lucifer’s personality instantly switched back, it practically gave Sam whiplash.

He slapped the side of Sam’s head, ‘there we go.’ He said, fading away.   
As soon as he went, Sam felt a heavy weight in his hand, to his horror, it was the blade Lucifer had used, his hand was covered in him own blood, knife slick in his grip, di- did he do this? 

************ 

Sam tried to clear his head as he stumbled to his feet to see that the wounds definitely looked self inflicted, Sam had chills run through him but understood, Lucifer loved playing with his mind, of course he’d do this.   
He looked at his wounds, thankfully, they weren’t deep enough for real damage, he threw the knife into the sink.

He shakily cleaned the wounds, and bandaged them up, thankful at their copious amounts of first aid supplies.  
His mind raced through the events, how could he respond to Lucifer with Dean around, he grimaced at the thought of anything like this happening with Dean present, he’d be thrown straight into the psych ward. 

Slowly, he washed the blood from the floor and sink, once that was done, he snuck back into the room, pulling on a clean shirt and throwing the other one out of the window and into the bushes beneath.  
He held back a groan as he laid back down, eyes wide open, for once he was glad for the pain, at least it would keep him awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks if you’re still reading, leave feedback if you would like to and enjoy!


	10. Fuzzy

Sam winced as Dean threw his gun to him, silently glad the safety was turned on.   
They’d just finished the witch hunt, thankfully there was only one and not a coven, because, as always, they were about as prepared as a lamb going to the slaughterhouse.

Dean’s head was pounding from the witches spells, he could barely concentrate as he was trying to clean his gun, he glanced over to Sam to see he was in a similar state, flinching at the sounds of metal on metal. 

Sam clenched his fist around the gun, cleaning it purely on muscle memory, he forced himself to look at what his hands were doing, as Lucifer huffed and puffed next to him, ‘I’m bored, Sam.’   
Sam sighed slightly.

‘You okay there Sammy?’ Dean questioned, Sam looked up at him, ‘yeah, just waiting for the aspirin to kick in.’   
Dean chuckled and immediately regretted the movement. 

Without warning, Lucifer slapped the back of Sam’s head, pain roared through his body as he tried to keep from moving, he cursed himself for letting down his guard.  
Sam looked over to Dean, who seemed to be falling asleep with his hands still moving, he shook his head and carefully took the gun out of his hands, holding back a groan as the motion pulled on his roughly bandaged chest. ‘Go to sleep, Dean. I’ll go on a quick run.’ 

Dean protested slightly but was too tired to do much, Sam grabbed the key and his wallet and walked out the door, they hadn’t noticed until today, but they needed most of their medical supplies to be restocked, half of the stuff they used was out of date.

He walked through the dark streets, the lampposts blinding him every few meters, he faced the floor to avoid Lucifer’s eyes, ‘what’s wrong? We aren’t even with Dean.’ Sam could hear the pout in the devils voice. 

Sam huffed, keeping his head down, he looked around to see no one was there, he whispered ‘I’d still look crazy.’   
Lucifer laughed triumphantly, ‘see? Wasn’t that bad. You’ll find that I’m brilliant at conversation, some would say I have a silver tongue, although I think it’s more forked.’ The devil laughed at his own joke, Sam just hurried forward, trying to get to the pharmacy and back as quick as possible.

‘Shut up.’ Sam forced out, surprised he had the guts to say it.   
Lucifer shrugged but complied, Sam sighed in relief as he saw the small group of shops nearby. 

He walked through the doors of the dreary chemists, rubbing his numbed hands together, he made eye contact with the cashier and smiled as he walked to the first aid supplies, he picked up as many bandages, painkillers and antiseptics as he could without looking too suspicious. 

The man behind he counter raised his eyebrows at him, Sam just smiled awkwardly, he shook his head and started scanning them, Sam tapped his leg impatiently, although he asked for it, he didn’t like the silence from Lucifer. 

Just as the thought went through his head, he heard an unsettling gurgling sound from the man in front of him, he looked up, seeing blood splatter out of his mouth, terror in his eyes, Sam stood still, he chanted in his head, this wasn’t real, don’t react, it isn’t real.

‘H-help.’ The man spluttered, he looked anywhere but Sam, he wanted to apologise, tell him he was fine, but he couldn’t, he’d be taken away, away from Dean, his only lifeline.  
He stood there, seconds turned into minutes, Sam opened his eyes, he felt sick.  
Thick, dark blood coated his forearm, a scalpel from the display stuck out of the Man’s throat, ‘no.’ Sam whispered, ‘no no no no.’ 

Horrified, he pulled back, the misted blood stung his eyes, he looked around frantically, seeing Lucifer smile at him, making a zipping motion across his lips.  
Sam choked out a hysterical laugh, ‘stop, I didn’t do this, I know I didn’t, stop playing with me.’ He begged.

But still, Lucifer stayed silent, grinning at Sam, a dark satisfaction in his eyes, all he did was point at the security cameras in the corner of the room, Sam’s heart stopped for a second. 

He rushed behind the counter, gagging slightly at the sight of the man, his glassy eyes staring into Sam’s soul.   
Shakily, he turned back the footage.  
Sam ran his hands through his hair, matting it with blood as he watched himself, he stared at his own hand picking up the blade, slamming it through him with as much force as he could muster.

This didn’t bother Sam too much, he killed things that looked human for a living, but the look on his face, so similar to the look of awe on Lucifer’s face as he rediscovers how fragile humanity is.   
It shook Sam to the core.

‘What the fuck did you do?’ Sam asked, as calm as he could, although his heart was pounding and his mind was moving at a hundred miles per minute.  
Before Lucifer could point out he wasn’t going to speak, Sam said ‘Please, just tell me, i’ll do anything, I’m sorry.’ Sam’s pride roared in defiance, but he was too tired to care. 

Lucifer walked up to him, ‘I wanted to see us, Sam, you’re my vessel, I want you to be just like me, although you’re the best a human could be, you’re still human.’ Lucifer grimaced in the last sentence.   
Sam stared at him, barely understanding what he was saying. 

‘You’ll see Sam, you’ll understand, you’re my true vessel for a reason.’ Lucifer faded again, Sam should be relieved, but he found himself more afraid than ever, he quickly deleted the security footage, heart jamming up as he saw what he’d done once again, he was reluctantly glad no one had seen him come in. 

He shoved all of the supplies into a plastic bag and wiped down everything he’d touched for prints, his mind was dull as he did so, as if it were any other hunt.

He practically ran back to the motel, walking in through the back entrance, he opened the door as quietly as he could, thankfully Dean was asleep.   
He managed to get into the bathroom before he broke down, as soon as the door closed his body fell to the floor. 

His whole body shook, quiet sobs reverberated through his figure, it was all going too far, he couldn’t stand this.  
He dragged himself to his feet, as he looked into the mirror, he expected to see the bloody monster he was, but he saw nothing, no blood. Only his red eyes and tear stained cheeks.

He looked down to his hands, but he saw they were clean.  
Looking back to the mirror, he leaped back as he saw Lucifer. He was laughing again, Sam was so confused, his electrified senses couldn’t understand what was happening. 

Lucifer adorned a look of faux concern, ‘oh, did i scare you? Sorry, I just enjoy seeing you frightened so much, I forget how jumpy you are.’  
‘Wha- What?’ Sam croaked out.  
‘You didn’t do a thing, Sam. He’s fine.’ 

Sam furrowed his eyebrows, ‘Have you forgotten that I can make you see whatever I want you to see? On the outside, you were fine, so don’t worry about looking like an idiot to anybody but me.’ He said, a chipper expression on his face. 

Sam just shook his head, ‘why?’   
‘Because I don’t want you to know what is my doing, and what’s your own. You will constantly be wondering if what has just happened truly happened, it’s so much better than just scaring you. Don’t you think?’   
Sam gulped back tears, ‘I don’t understand, this is all your doing, even this place.’ 

Lucifer shook his head, annoyed. ‘No, this is all you, your little imaginary world, and while it’s true I could take it away, I don’t want to, I want to ruin it.’ He growled.  
After another second, Lucifer was gone. 

Sam tried to get his breathing under control, his roar throat making it difficult, he stared at the wall, trying to process everything, he closed his eyes and prayed once more, maybe Cas, or anyone, would hear him.

As Sam started to drift to sleep on the hard floor, part of him hoped he wouldn’t wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, kind of a lame and predictable ending, but I couldn’t quite see Sam doing that at this point, I hope you enjoyed it and leave feedback if you want to, enjoy!


	11. Walls

Castiel’s head pounded, he could hear Sam’s prayers for help and he desperately wanted to reach him, but he was currently trying to survive another assassination attempt from Raphael; he leaped out of the course of a flying angel blade, barely keeping up.

He sighed as he remembered his warrior past, his skills had faded over the years.   
‘I’m coming, Sam. Just hold on.’ He whispered to himself, clenching his teeth as he fought harder.

Sam’s eyes cracked open, the residual flames sinking out of sight, he felt heavy and useless. He looked around, confused, before the night before came rushing back to him, he rested his head against the cool wall, hoping to dull the constant ache that was starting to form. 

He carefully got to his feet, muscles aching and joints protesting. He groaned heavily and gripped the sink as his head spun.   
He splashed water over his face, looking into the stained mirror and seeing the now familiar sight of dark circles and translucent skin. 

Sam stumbled back to the bed, glad to see Dean still looked knocked out, before lying down, he placed the aspirin bottle and a cup of water by Dean’s bed, he knew he’d need it when he woke up, he probably would too. 

He sank down into the hard pillows that now felt like a cloud, his aching muscles only felt worse in the stillness.  
He allowed a heavy sigh out of him, causing his chest to sting, he tried every position possibly but nothing stopped hurting.

Using way more energy than was usually necessary, he dragged himself from the comfort and walked as quietly as he could to the pills bottle.  
He tipped some into his hand then swallowed them dry, grimacing at the residual flavour.   
‘You alright Sam?’ Sam jumped slightly at the sound of Dean’s hoarse voice.

‘Yeah, I’m fine just had to get rid of this killer headache.’   
Dean laughed slightly then winced, ‘I think I’ll have to join you.’ 

Dean watched Sam carefully, he’d been awake for a while and he heard Sam’s series of groans and bone cracking, it was kind of gross.   
He hadn’t been okay since the hunt, he was gone way too long and he swore he heard muffled talking in the bathroom.

It gave him flashbacks to the Ruby fiasco and it made him anxious, Sam had lied to him too much over the years and it was getting difficult to trust anything he said, he cursed himself for thinking that but he couldn’t help it.

Thankfully, though, this time he at least looked guilty, he wondered what he possibly could be doing. He ran through everything they’d done recently but came up blank, his sleep fuzzed mind completely gave up and he slammed his head back into his pillow.

He watched Sam gingerly lie back down, setting his big brother senses on fire as he saw him wince as he hit the squeaking mattress.   
Dean set his jaw and decided to push down his pride.  
‘Sam, can you just tell me what’s wrong.’   
He glanced to his little brother to see him stiffen. 

‘Nothing, man. I’m just sore.’ He chuckled, but it sounded so forced it made Dean’s chest ache.   
‘Come on, we both know that isn’t true, you’ve been acting weird for ages. and I know you’re keeping secrets.’   
Dean tried to keep calm but he could already hear the edge in his voice rising.

Sam stayed quiet for a moment, Lucifer was laughing at him and it was setting his teeth on edge. ‘I told you it’s nothing. I’m not hiding anything important.’ He answered shortly. 

Dean’s anger flared and he sat up, ignoring the pain in his head. He tried to keep himself quiet, Sam already looked spooked.   
‘Please, I won’t be mad. I promise, you need to open up about things, we both do.’ He implored. 

Sam stared over to him, he looked like he wanted to spill everything but he also looked terrified. ‘I- it’s nothing.’ He whispered, voice cracking as he glanced over to the side of the room like a deer in the headlights. 

‘Come on! How bad could it possibly be! It’s not like you’re fucking working with lucifer or whatever.’ Dean laughed, although slightly nervous.   
Sam looked at him like he’d just punched him in the face. 

‘You really think I’d do anything for someone like that?’ He asked softly, Dean snapped, ‘why are you surprised? You worked with a demon and betrayed me! You worked with Samuel and left me thinking you were dead. You’ve lied to me so much I don’t know what to believe!’ Dean shouted, breathing heavily through the outburst. 

Sam got to his feet, ‘I’ve already apologised for trusting Ruby, don’t you think I’ve payed for what I’ve done? I spent over a year in hell to reconcile, I didn’t even have a soul when I was with Samuel, so how the fuck am I supposed to be responsible for it. I’ve tried, Dean, I’ve said sorry, I’ve done everything I can to help you forgive me, why can’t you let anything go?’   
Tears pricked Sam’s eyes and he wanted to scream at lucifer to just stop laughing and mocking him every single second.

‘So what? You don’t even remember hell! I remembered every second of my stint downstairs and I didn’t let it affect me. You’re just being all emotional about the idea of it! You’ve gone through nothing, Sam, you’re just throwing a bitch fit.’ Dean’s word leapt out of his mouth like venom, regret filtered into him as soon as the words left his mouth. 

And just like that, Dean knew he’d fucked up. He practically watched as Sam put up bigger walls than ever, the temporary agony in his eyes masked by indifference. 

‘I guess you’re right.’ Sam whispered, smiling.   
Dean’s eyes softened, ‘Sammy, I’m sor-‘   
‘No, no. You’re right, you know me, always a bit overdramatic.’ Dean’s heart twisted as he observed Sam’s watery eyes and forced smile. 

He watched Sam as he looked at his watch, ‘Hey, you want breakfast? I saw a diner that does takeaway in the town.’   
Before he could respond, Sam smiled again, picking up his wallet and jacket and walking out, slamming the door hard enough to shake the walls.

Dean’s shoulders sagged. ‘Nice one, Dean.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if I made Dean too harsh in this one, but he’s pretty good at hitting where it hurts during arguments in the show so I went with that.   
> Leave feedback if you have anything to say, and thank you for reading and sticking with the fic, enjoy!


	12. Unspoken

Sam leaned against the wall outside of the room, half hoping for Dean to at least stick his head out of the door to look for him, he scoffed at his hope.   
He quickly wiped away the stray tears falling down his cheeks, angry at himself for getting so worked up. Dean was right, he was lying but still he got defensive.

‘You see? You’re no saint, we’re more similar than you pretend.’   
Sam wanted to punch the devil in the face but decided to hold back, he didn’t want even worse punishment when he inevitably falls asleep. 

Deep down, Sam knew he shouldn’t have hoped he could talk to Dean. They were both too hard headed and as soon as they’re in an argument Dean drags up anything he can to win. Sam shook his head, he wandered why he ever trusted anybody. 

Wincing as he lifted his head off of the cold, chipped concrete, he dragged his feet forward, vaguely remembering the direction to the town.   
It was different in the light, there were people wandering around, groups of friends smiled and laughed.  
Sam couldn’t help but watch them, a heavy pang hit his chest as he remembered his college days, they were so distant now, as if they were just a dream. 

He supposed that’s what it was, he knew he’d never truly leave the life. He’d still kept a baseball bat next to his bed and a knife under his mattress. He just wanted a chance, but it ended miserably, as most of the things he does do. He smiled sourly to himself. 

Barely noticing, he finally got to the diner, he shook his hands out then walked in, plastering an easy smile on his face while Lucifer mocked him, laughing at how ‘even he didn’t expect that.’

Sam tapped his knees as he waited at the bar for the food, thoughts hammering through his head, he wasn’t sure if what Dean said was even true or if Lucifer was just messing with him again.  
Even if it was true, the devil wasn’t making it easier for him to work it out with his shit eating grin that never seemed to leave his face. 

Just as the thought crossed his mind, Lucifer popped up right in front of him, Sam barely managed to keep from flinching.   
‘You need to stop having a pity party, Sammy. You know this is all your doing. Even in your _dream world_ you can’t make Dean like you.’ 

Sam looked down to his feet, this time he did flinch slightly.  
He knew the truth, he just didn’t want to believe it, when he thought of Dean all he saw was his protector, his brother, his best friend. But he knew Dean only saw him as a burden; his little brother that could never do anything right, he was the reason Dean went to hell for fuck’s sake. 

He was yanked out of his mental spiral when his name was called, he looked up to see a waitress with two bags in her hands.   
He smiled shakily and picked them up, barely able to hand over the cash. 

When he left, he was about to go straight back, but he couldn’t help but check the pharmacy.  
As he got closer, his heart started to beat so hard his chest hurt.

Flashes of the gruesome scene filled his mind’s eye, the lifeless, greying corpse engraved into his optic nerve, Lucifer’s smile offsetting the terror within the man. 

His hands got clammy as he spotted the glowing sign, he looked through the glass to see the cashier sitting at the desk, idly looking through a leaflet he’s probably reread thousands of times. He breathed a deep sigh of relief, smiling for the first time in a while.

Sam turned back around, walking as quick as he could to the motel, not wanting to give Dean more ammo for his theories. 

He got just outside the building before he couldn’t will his feet to go any further.   
He felt his body stiffen up and it was as if his mind was leaving his body, he vaguely remembered feeling this way after Dean had died. He wasn’t okay but he needed to be strong and look for him, even if his mind was falling apart like glass. 

Sam felt his airways tighten and heart ache as the open air somehow closed in on him.   
His body was like a board as he hyperventilated, trying to be as quiet as possible, he managed to get himself to a wall, leaning against it for support.

He remembered the compulsory therapy sessions from when they were children, after he’d written a story about how his dad killed monsters for a living, he remembered the breathing exercises if he felt like this.  
He shut his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose then out of his mouth. 

As he started to return to himself, he was coherent enough to think of all of the possibilities of what would happen when he went back into the room, in the moment, he wondered whether the panic was better. 

*********************

Dean paced back and forth across the small room, feeling claustrophobic.  
Worries flung themselves through his head, would Sam even come back? He was cruel, even though he was totally right. 

He groaned in anger at what happened, it didn’t make anything clearer.  
Dean was so engrossed in his thoughts that he only noticed Sam was there when he closed the door, whipping his head up, he put on a toothless smile, silently glad Sam didn’t run away.

‘I got us the usual.’ Sam said hoarsely, alarm bells went off in Dean’s head at the cracked voice and red rimmed eyes, but he decided to lay off for now. ‘Thanks.’ 

They sat in silence, Dean unable to look away from Sam’s trembling hands and gaunt features, he wondered how he’d managed to not notice it beforehand, Sam looked like death. 

Sam didn’t notice Dean’s hawkish eyes as he stared defiantly down at his food, trying pretend that everything on his plate didn’t look like they were buried in maggots. 

As outlandish theories made their way to Dean, the small voice whispering his worst fear went unheard, logic drowned out by suggestions of demons to drugs. 

But one thought was synonymous between the two, as their unseen struggles battered them; _I’ll work it out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is pretty filler-y but I hope it was still enjoyable, leave feedback if you want to and thanks for reading!


	13. Crumbling

Sam’s nerves were as fried as Dean’s favourite burger joint. He’d barely spoken with him for days, even though they still spent every second together.   
They did whatever they usually did, adamantly pretending that nothing happened, but the tension was unmistakable.

Sam could usually handle it, he had so much going on that sometimes he barely even noticed the silent stretches lasting 24 hours, but it was most prominent when they had attempted to interview a victim of a ghost attack that had gotten lucky, she thought they were agents from different bases, it was like a punch in the gut for both of them, ironically, the tensions grew as they realised how bad it had gotten. 

They were sitting in the impala, Dean’s music was being played way too loud and it made Sam wince heavily every time the drum was hit, he clenched his fingers in his thigh as he tried not to reach out and turn it down, knowing dean would see the problem if he turned to scold him on the ‘driver picks the music’ rule. 

Dean was too distracted by his thoughts to notice Sam’s agonised expression. Currently, his brain was deciding whether an apology was necessary or if another shouting match was in order.   
Sam still kept wondering off whenever he looked spooked, and it was really starting to get on Dean’s nerves, he always came back looking slightly better but not by much, like a fucking junkie. _again_ his mind echoed, but he shoved away the thought. 

He wanted to bang his head on the wheel, but for one, he couldn’t do that to baby, and two, he didn’t want to admit how he’d been fearing the worst for days now, because if it wasn’t true Sam would completely shut down, he didn’t have time to deal with that, as cruel as it sounds, they were on a hunt. 

He looked over to Sam quickly, inwardly sighing at his pasty, grey skin, and features contorted in what seemed to be pain. Confused, Dean looked over again for longer, seeing him flinch every time the music hit a high note, he turned back to the road, pulling himself together before he shouted at the man-child next to him, he just wanted to know what could be messing with his little brother so much.

Dean reached over to the dashboard, turning down the volume to a more handleable level, Sam glanced to Dean, slightly surprised, Dean just nodded understandingly.  
‘Thanks.’ Sam whispered. 

Dean smiled slightly, it was the first time he’d said anything unrelated to their current case, it was small, but it was something. 

Sam scolded himself for letting Dean see his pain, Lucifer poked another red hot rod into the back of his neck, he got a new one every time he fucked up, which was pretty often, as Lucifer’s description of a mistake was Dean giving him a worried look, the excruciating burning made Sam hunch down further in the seat, clenching his eyes tightly as the initial agony passed. 

He knew Dean saw something was seriously wrong, Sam had practically been in a haze for days, but he couldn’t help it, Lucifer wouldn’t leave him alone long enough to get his bearings anymore.   
He nearly snorted at the frustration he felt just days before, he was so tired, the only thing he could feel was pain and constant, overwhelming panic, so strong that it made him calm. 

‘You know it ends when you can’t take it anymore, why don’t you just let it end?’ The grating voice of the devil returned to Sam’s ears, instantly making his hairs stand on end, he used to argue, but truly, Lucifer was right. The cage was becoming a haven, a place where he didn’t have to hide his pain, his fear, his wish to just finally _die_ , to be at peace. 

But still, he couldn’t. He couldn’t give Lucifer what he wanted, not anymore, he wouldn’t be his toy for eternity. He would fight back for as long as he could.   
_which isn’t that long._   
Sam shook off the looming thought. 

He decided to just put his head down and focus on the case at hand. It was a cake walk, the ghost of the previous homeowner freaking out a family.

‘You know that whenever you think a case is simple it goes wrong, don’t you?’  
Sam rolled his eyes at Lucifer’s remark, although it was pretty accurate. 

This earned another confused look from Dean, Sam gritted his teeth in preparation for the heat. But it didn’t come, he tried to look back discretely; but was hit by a new pain in his side, he couldn’t help but suck in a breathe through his teeth, he glanced back in alarm to see Lucifer shrug.

‘It was getting boring.’   
Sam steeled his expression, ignoring the fact that his vision was fading in and out of focus, and faced the front, he didn’t know why he was still surprised by Lucifer’s antics. 

Dean observed what just happened with a growing pit in his stomach, he had no idea what was going on, all he knew was that Sam was lying.   
He set his jaw and stepped on the gas, trying to get at least some of his anger out on the road. 

***************

Dean threw his duffel bag onto the floor, for once not noticing how it made Sam jump out of his skin as it distracted him from Lucifer and the flames that had been crawling up his skin in the silence. 

Still shaken, he went to the grimy bathroom to cool off, splashing the lukewarm water over his face.  
He didn’t jump anymore when Lucifer popped up in front of his eyes every time he looked in a mirror, it was like he was just a constant part of his life.

However, a deep pit filled his chest at the look in the devil’s eyes, a look he knew to appear when he had an idea, Sam let out a defeated groan, it was going to be a tough day. 

Dean paced back and forth while Sam was in the bathroom, trying to decide whether to bring anything up, how bad could it go? The thought vanished as he thought of what the last time they talked did, a heavy breathe he hadn’t realised he’d been holding escaped him. 

His mind was stopped in its tracks as he heard sounds from the room Sam was in, he walked closer to hear small gasps and groans, he was about to let him be before he listened closer, he knew the sound Sam made when he was in pain, and Sam’s small whimper only confirmed his suspicions. 

‘You alright in there Sam?’ Dean asked cautiously, he heard a small sniffle and a deep breathe in, ‘Yeah, I’m good, just, uh, stubbed my toe.’ He laughed slightly, but Dean could practically hear the question in his voice.   
‘Okay, sure.’ He said, not bothering to start a fight. 

A few seconds later, Sam stepped out of the bathroom, having to stoop under the too-low door frame, he looked even worse than before, which Dean didn’t think was possible, his eyes were rimmed red and his entire body was shaking like a fucking leaf.  
His eyes were slightly clouded over and he was gripping his sleeve like it was his only lifeline, it made Dean’s heart hurt. 

‘I’m just gonna go out for a minute.’ Sam croaked, barely looking at him as he stumbled out of the room, Dean clenched his fists. 

After a few seconds, Dean slammed open the door, he heard faint murmurs from around the corner and he stormed in that direction.   
He stopped next to the corner, poking his head around the corner to see Sam whispering to himself, standing against the wall and looking in front of him as if someone was there. 

Dean kept watching as Sam cowered into the wall, scrunching his eyes shut and flinching backwards, what the hell?

He ducked backwards as Sam looked around, after a moment, Dean looked back to see Sam’s expression had morphed into anger.   
He smashed his fist into the wall, Dean could hear a cracking sound but Sam didn’t seem to notice.  
‘Shut up!’ He roared at the air, as tears ran down his cheeks, he punched the wall again, and again, Dean could barely watch as his brother’s fingers snapped and blood stained the concrete. 

Suddenly, he stopped, he pulled his hands against his chest as he shook his head. ‘Don’t you dare, don’t you dare take him.’ Dean heard him whisper hoarsely, he watched Sam slide down the wall, staring into the sky.  
Dean had had enough, he crept over to where Sam was sitting, making sure to not scare him.

‘Sammy? You okay?’ He whispered, still a meter away but startling his little brother all the same, Sam looked at him like a deer in the headlights, he looked down to his hand and back at Dean, as if he’d been caught shooting up in a back alley.

‘Dean?’ He whispered, Dean walked closer to him with his hands outstretched, ‘Yeah, it’s me, Sam. What happened?’ He questioned.

Sam was about to talk before he looked to his left, his eyes hardened as he said ‘is this another trick? If it is, it’s too far, don’t use Dean, please, just don’t use him.’ Sam repeated it again and again, Dean’s mind reeled at what he could even mean, he got close enough to grab Sam’s unwounded hand. 

‘Sam, it’s me, it’s real.’ He said reassuringly, even as he had no clue as to what was happening, Sam looked from him to his left back and forth, until he turned to Dean one’s more, ‘it is you, of course it is.’ Dean was about to smile before Sam started to laugh hysterically, ‘of course the real one would be at the worst moment.’

Dean had no clue, but he placed his hand on Sam’s back, rubbing it until he calmed down, as soon as he stopped laughing, dread filled his features, ‘this isn’t what it looks like, Dean, I’m not crazy.’ He said frantically. 

Dean just shook his head, ‘I know, I know, let’s get you inside, yeah?’   
Sam just nodded, allowing dean to guide him to their room.   
As soon as they got in, Sam collapsed onto the bed, knocking out completely.

Dean just stood in the middle of the room, dumbfounded.   
He had no idea what was going on, but he was determined to find out, even if it killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the beginning of the chapter is kind of boring, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this part, but I’m hoping it turned out okay, thanks to everyone who’s been reading this, and feel free to leave any feedback and comments if you want, enjoy!


	14. Gone

Dean tapped his fingers on his worn out jeans as Sam stayed passed out on the beds; he had no idea what to do.   
He watched as Sam’s eyes darted about behind their lids, he knew that usually happened with nightmares, Dean smiled fondly at the memories of comforting Sammy as he dreamt of monsters under his bed.

He decided to do the only thing he could think of, he bit down on his pride and closed his eyes.   
‘Hey, Cas. I know you’re busy or whatever, but, uh, there’s something wrong with Sam and I don’t know what it is, would you be able to come down and check him out, or send somebody, I’m kinda desperate here, huh, amen? I guess?’ 

Dean cringed at his words but he decided even the embarrassment was worth it if Cas could help, or work out what’s wrong, or whatever.  
Dean places his head in his hands, trying to rub away the nagging headache he had without much luck.   
‘Come on , Cas.’ 

*************************

Castiel stopped mid swing, he was used now to the consistent prayers of Sam, but the mere thought of Dean praying worried him, so hearing Dean’s voice echo in his mind set off alarm bells, Cas instantly thought he worst, that something had happened to Sam. He cursed himself for not going to their side sooner.

He finished off the angel he was fighting, ‘i must go.’ He whispered to his allies, before waiting for an answer, he flapped off the field. 

He reached the Winchesters in record time, the first thing to catch his eyes was the pasty, sweat-sheened Sam passed out on the rather unsanitary bedding, eyes flitting about but still closed, the bloody and broken hand he unconsciously cradled didn’t go unnoticed either.

‘Dean.’ He said simply, getting the attention of the distressed man, it worried Cas to see Dean looking so lost.

‘Cas, thank fuck you turned up.’ Dean breathed out, more to himself than anybody else.   
‘I heard your prayer, from what I can see it’s about Sam?’   
Cas decided to play dumb for the moment, if this was unrelated to Sam’s memories he didn’t want to make a mistake.

Dean huffed out a laugh, ‘more like what’s not wrong with him. He doesn’t eat properly, he goes as long as he can without sleeping, he constantly looks like someone’s screaming in his ears and I just caught him fucking shouting at and punching a wall like there was somebody there. Not to mention he didn’t think I was even real. I don’t know what’s wrong with him Cas, and, well, I’m scared for him, okay?’ 

Dean took in a deep breathe, he quietened down near the end.  
Cas forced himself to keep his composure, this was definitely to do with his head, it seems Lucifer got to him again.  
He should’ve come sooner, he heard Sam’s pleads for days and did nothing, it seems that he’s as bad of a friend than he is an angel. 

‘I’ll take a look at him.’ Was all Cas could say, Dean watched him with hope in his eyes as Cas cautiously walked to Sam’s side.   
As soon as Cas so much as brushed Sam, he got a face full of hellfire, Lucifer’s gleeful laugh echoed in his head. He couldn’t help but stumble back.

The movement brought Sam out of his sleep, he got up as quick as he could, shuffling backwards and hissing as he knocked his hand on the night stand.  
‘Cas? What are you doing here?’ 

Before Castiel could respond, Dean says ‘remember what happened last night? Your little breakdown?’ He laughs slightly to alleviate the tension. 

Sam looked confused for a moment, then it seemed as if it had all come rushing back, he became even paler, which Cas found astonishing.  
‘Oh, so that did actually happen?’ He sounded annoyed, and glared at the space to his left.

Dean looked between the other men, ‘so, you gonna tell me what’s going on?’ 

Sam looked over to Cas apprehensively, ‘you should tell him, Sam, you said you would if it got too bad, which it did.’  
He looked pointedly at his hand.

Sam looked down, sheepish. ‘I called out to you, and you never answered, so I guessed it couldn’t of been that important.’ 

Cas shut his eyes momentarily, then said ‘you weren’t that specific, and I have a war to fight.’   
He instantly knew it was the wrong choice of words as Sam looked down like he wasn’t worth the dirt on his shoes. 

‘So both of you know? Could either of you tell me?’ Sam and Cas’ gaze snapped back to a beet-red Dean.  
Sam cleared his throat quietly, then turned to Cas. ‘I can’t.’ He whispered.

Cas felt like he was between a rock and a hard place, both Sam and Dean’s puppy eyes were turned to the max, he sighed heavily then decided the outcome of this couldn’t be any worse than some of his own decisions anyway.  
‘Sam doesn’t actually have a wall.’ 

Dean looked confused, ‘what?’   
Cas looked at him irritably, ‘death couldn’t put a wall in his head because the damage was too severe. So, essentially, Sam remembers everything and he has done the whole time.’ 

Cas was always astonished by how quickly Dean could cycle through emotions, his face contorted from confusion, horror, worry and, unfortunately, seemed to get stuck on anger.   
‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me, Sam?’ 

Even Cas was shocked at the man’s tone, he knew it wouldn’t be beneficial for Sam’s mental state.  
And he was right, he saw Sam practically check out as he just stared to his side.

‘I thought I could handle it.’ Was all Sam said, fuelling Dean’s frustration.  
‘Handle it? Come on, you were in hell for over a year, there’s no _handling_ that!’ 

Sam just shook his head, obviously overwhelmed.   
‘Dean, maybe you should calm down.’   
Cas said, warning in his eyes.   
‘I’m not gonna fucking calm down. Sam has been lying to me for weeks!’   
‘Unless i remember incorrectly, you lied about remembering hell too.’ 

That stalled Dean slightly but he just muttered about it ‘being different.’   
‘How is it so different, Dean?’   
Sam spoke up suddenly, surprising Dean; as if he’d forgotten he was there. 

‘Oh, I don’t know, all I did was drink a bit too much, you’re practically killing yourself!’   
Sam sighed, he looked like he didn’t even care, it startled Cas, until something clicked.  
‘Do you think any of this is real, Sam?’ He asked cautiously. He could see Dean was about to explode so he raised his hand to silence him. 

Sam looked at him awkwardly, ‘well, no, kind of, it’s complicated.’ Sam stuttered over his words.  
‘It’s simple, Sam. Which one do you think is an illusion, us, or Lucifer.’ 

Sam shrugged, ‘well, you guys, obviously.’   
He laughed as if it were simple, but Cas almost wanted to scream.   
Dean didn’t have as much control as Cas seemed to, ‘what do you mean we’re not real? God, Sam you’re fucked in the head right now.’ 

‘Be quiet, Dean.’ Cas growled, then regretting it as Sam flinched. 

‘Could we just, like, not talk about this? These are the only breaks I’m getting.’   
He scratched the back of his neck with pleading eyes.   
‘No, Sam. We need to talk this out so you can understand that this is real, and that whatever you’re seeing around the edges is not.’ 

Sam barked out a laugh, it hit both Cas and Dean, the cold, tired, sound reverberating through the room.   
‘Don’t you get it? You’re the ones who are around the edges. Lucifer is always here, he’s laughing at me right now! Whenever my eyes are closed I’m in hell, when I go to sleep, or whatever, I go back to the cage for centuries until I wake up again. And when I do I barely remember what’s supposed to be happening here and it’s exhausting!’ 

This silenced Cas, he was speechless and his chest hurt with worry for the breaking man.  
He could practically feel Dean’s anger from across the room, before he could stop him, Dean started to speak.

‘Come on, Sammy. I know what it’s like, okay? I know what it’s like to feel like you’re back in hell whenever you have a nightmare. Trust me.’ 

Sam just shook his head. ‘I’m not _feeling_ like I’m back in hell, I never left. This was just an elaborate trick from Lucifer, he’s giving me what I want then slowly destroying it. He’s done it before and he’s doing it again. Already the cracks are showing, Lucifer’s getting bored so he’s going to end up putting me back in the cage permanently, so can’t I just make the most of this?’ 

Dean slammed his hand on the wall, making Sam jump half a foot. ‘Stop it, Sam! You’re on earth, you’re not dead, Lucifer is still locked up. pull yourself together for fucks sake!’   
Cas held back a groan and shut his eyes. Waiting for Sam to shout back. But it never came.

He opened his eyes to see Sam walking back slowly. ‘No, no. Don’t you dare pretend to be him.’   
Dean walked closer to him in confusion, and Sam backed away until he hit the wall, whispering ‘no,no,no, stop.’   
Dean put a hand on Sam’s shoulder, meaning to be comforting but Sam shook violently at the touch, ‘Lucifer, just stop, you don’t need to pretend to be Dean. I’ll do anything.’ 

Sam’s whole body was on fire, Lucifer’s burning red eyes protruding from Dean’s seemingly worried face, Lucifer’s favourite carving knife was in his hand as he advanced.   
This was too much, too far.   
‘Anything, Sam? That’s quite a bold statement.’   
‘Please.’ Sam croaked out, unable to do anything else. 

Dean, or Lucifer. Shrugged, placing his other hand on his head.  
‘Alright, but something tells me you’ll regret it.’

Dean’s heart was practically bursting out of his chest, he put his hand on the side of Sam’s head, trying to bring him out of his stupor, ‘Sammy? Come on, little brother.’   
The haze faded from Sam’s eyes, his shakes went down slightly.

Recognition filled his face, ‘Dean?’   
Dean smiled slightly, relief flooding his senses. ‘Yeah, it’s me.’   
‘I- I’m sorry.’  
Dean shook his head, ‘no, you don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay.’   
Sam nodded slightly. Shakily walking back to his bed and sitting down, taking deep breaths and clenching his fists. 

‘Are you okay, Sam?’ Cas asked, unsure of what to do.   
Sam’s eyes snapped to him, even Cas could tell his smile was fake, ‘yeah, I’ll be fine.’   
Cas desperately wanted to stay and help, but he could hear his brothers calling him.   
Sam could tell, and said ‘you can go if you want.’ 

Cas nodded, then said ‘from now on, I’ll come if you call.’ Then disappeared.  
Sam and Dean sat in a tense silence, unsure of what to do. 

‘Uh, why don’t we patch up that hand of yours?’ Dean asked lamely, Sam just nodded, glad for the interruption.

As Dean was wrapping up Sam’s fingers, Dean sighed and asked what had been on his mind for a while, ‘what did you mean when you said Lucifer was always here?’ 

Sam stilled for a second, looking over to Lucifer who just nodded, not seeing a reason to lie.  
Dean noticed, then questioned ‘is he there?’   
Sam nodded lightly, ‘he’s always hanging around, as you can imagine doing research for a while can get painful.’ He laughed slightly.   
Dean just looked down, focusing on the bandages. 

Eventually, he’d finished, they were both exhausted and went to the lumpy mattresses.   
Before falling asleep, Dean spoke. ‘You know we can get through all this, right Sammy? If we’re together, we can get through it.’ 

‘I know, Dean.’ Sam whispered back.   
He listened to Dean’s breathing until it evened out.   
Sam’s hair stood on end as Lucifer watched him pointedly.

As quietly as he could, Sam climbed out of the bed and put everything he owned into his duffel bag, tears pricked his eyes but he held it together.   
He got to the door, all of his belongings in one, old, broken bag. He chuckled at the thought of having anything else. 

‘I’m sorry Dean.’ He whispered hoarsely, as he shut the door as carefully as possible, knowing Dean was still somehow a heavy sleeper, it made it easier.  
He raced to the nearest car, effortlessly breaking it open and jacking it from years of experience.

As he drove away, Lucifer appeared next to him, finally, his facade of Dean faded away, leaving the devil he knew.   
‘I should’ve known that all I needed was to use your brother, now i have you all to myself, in both worlds.’ 

The malicious laughter of hell’s God worked it’s way into Sam’s skull, but he smiled, it was worth it, as long as Dean’s memory stayed pure; he’d endure anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a bit of a longer one, I hope you guys like it. It’s harder than I thought to write so much dialogue haha.   
> Leave feedback or a kudos if you want to or have anything to say, thanks for reading and enjoy!


	15. Divided

Dean slowly woke up to the sun cracking through the curtains of the room, he groaned, disregarding how Sam usually woke him up before this point. 

He laid still for a while, psyching himself up to speak with Sam after everything that had happened the day before.  
A spark of anger ignited at the memory, but he pushed it down. He knew first hand that strong emotion didn’t help with everything happening to his little brother. 

He rolled over to look to Sam’s bed, he opened his eyes to see the ruffled sheets empty; he shrugged it off, Sam was usually awake by now anyway.   
He dragged himself to a sitting position, rubbing his permanently sore back, destroyed by the constant motel mattresses.

After his brain woke up, he noticed the silence in the room, no clattering of a keyboard or shower running.  
A sense of dread stalked through Dean’s stomach.  
‘Sammy?’ He called, worried.   
No response.

He ran through the motel, crashing through doors, shouting for his brother. But he got nothing.  
He managed to get back to the main room to see all of Sam’s stuff was gone, including his bag.

He knew what had happened, Sam had run, like he always does.   
In a fit of anger, he kicked the bedside, feeling a shot of pain up his leg.   
He shouted in annoyance, he should’ve known something like this would happen, he was too quiet the night before. 

Dean paced back and forth for a while, unsure of what to do.   
There weren’t any security cameras around, they always made sure of it, he had no idea where to start or why Sam even left, he’d been understanding, Sam knew they worked best together, and that included emotionally. 

Worry blossomed in his chest, the memory of how fragile Sam was a mere day before prevalent in his mind, he dreaded to think what he was doing right now, or whether he was even alive.   
Dean crushed down the thought, not wanting to go down that path. 

Finally he flopped down into the flimsy chair, getting out his phone.  
He decided to call Bobby, he was the only one he could think of to help. He braced himself for the railing he was about to get for not realising Sam was the mess he was. 

‘I hate to say it, son, but I told you something was up.’   
Dean rolled his eyes, but knew it was coming, he’d just given Bobby the run down on everything and he could feel the judgement through the phone.

‘I know, I know. But- could you just help me look for him? He shouldn’t be alone right now.’   
He heard a sigh across the line, ‘of course I will, Dean, you’re both like sons to me.’ 

Dean smiled, ‘Thanks, Bobby.’   
He hung up, rubbing his burning eyes. Just hoping that Sam would be okay.  
He had to be.

****************

Sam woke with a shudder, rationalising it by the freezing car he was sat in, even though there wasn’t anybody to explain it to, he didn’t like the reality.   
He was confused for a moment before remembering why he was even there.  
He looked down to his phone to see an endless stream of alerts from Dean and even Bobby. He was glad he’d turned off the GPS.

He was distracted by Lucifer’s hands around his throat. He coughed and spluttered, wheezing for air, not prepared for the attack, he heard the devils faint laughter behind him.   
‘I’ve always fantasised about killing you on earth, I guess this will do nice enough.’ 

They always said asphyxiation was one of the most painful ways to die, and Sam could say from experience that what they say is true. 

Sam’s body convulsed and shook, he clawed at Lucifer’s hands but it was like he couldn’t even reach them.   
His vision was going black around the edges, he couldn’t get breath in, he could barely breathe out, his throat felt as if it were collapsing entirely. 

His vision faded to black, becoming lightheaded, his body felt like it was floating.   
Suddenly, he could breathe again, the pressure disappearing, he sucked in air as quickly as he could, retching on the sudden intake. 

Tears gathered in his eyes from the pressure, a fuzzy sheen over his vision.  
‘This is even better than I expected, hearing you in pain is so much better than watching you trying to hide, don’t you agree, Sammy?’   
The words snaked into his ears and stoked the fear and pain deep in his stomach. 

‘Don’t call me that.’ He said, voice scratchy and hoarse.  
Lucifer pouted, seemingly playful, whacking Sam too hard on the chest, purposefully raking his talon-like nails across his healing gashes.   
Sam hissed in pain.   
‘I can call you what I want.’ He growled; Sam stayed silent, not ready for more pain. 

‘You know the offer still stands, Sam. It ends when you can’t take it anymore.’   
Lucifer reiterated, Sam shut his eyes, holding back the streams of tears.  
‘No.’ He forced out.  
Lucifer just rolled his eyes, ‘there’s no shame in it, Sammy. You’ve said yes to me before, you can say it again. But hey, your funeral.’   
Sam cringed inwardly at the memory of his submission, he wished he didn’t regret what he did, but at times like this, saving the world just didn’t seem worth it. 

Lucifer grinned like a Cheshire Cat, Sam knew he understood what he was thinking, and had a few things in mind for their days.   
Sam pushed down his worry, he couldn’t be thinking about that, it was done and he had to deal with any of the consequences.

When Sam looked down again, he saw some of Lucifer’s favourite tools, and some new things he couldn’t even describe.   
‘All I’ll say is, check how thick the walls are when you pick a motel.’   
Lucifer faded back into the background, allowing Sam to start driving again with the threat looming over his mind. Sam’s shoulders sagged at the silence he finally received. 

He turned the key in the ignition, rubbing his throat slightly, still feeling raw.   
He just wanted to go back to Dean, to Bobby, the life he had, anything before he said yes, before he freed Lucifer, before he signed his own death certificate.

He knew it wasn’t possible, but it was the one thing stopping him from completely giving up, from saying yes to the devil yet again. He didn’t know why he bothered, Lucifer destroyed everything he thought he had, he’d never stop. 

Sam just blocked the thoughts, focusing on the open road, and not the silence that should’ve been filled with Dean’s chatter about a hunt, or something about a diner they’d just been at, or music that was way too old, but he secretly enjoyed.

The sound of the old car mocked the impalas roar as he raced down the streets, the silence louder than he thought possible. 

He’d given up on the facade of being okay, he wasn’t, and he never would be, because he’d never be free. But he was fine with that, it’s not like he had any other choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was kind of dull, thanks for reading, and leave a kudos or comment if you have anything to say, I appreciate any feedback! Thanks again and enjoy!


	16. Under water

Dean slammed his bottle a little too hard on Bobby’s table, trying to get rid of some of his pent up anger.  
‘Calm down, son.’ Bobby scolded, voice tired and heavy.  
‘It’s been two weeks, Bobby, and we’ve got absolutely nothing.’ Dean growled out.

His brain felt sluggish and hyperactive all at the same time, he’d been searching non stop since Sam went missing and they’d hit dead end after dead end, false trails and pointless leads, and it was getting impossible.

Dean looked up to Bobby, who watched him with pity.  
‘I know, Dean. But we’ll find him. We always do and if we don’t, he will find us.’ 

Dean shook his head. ‘He won’t find us, he’s snapped.’  
Bobby sighed, ‘he hasn’t _snapped_ , Dean. He’s scared and confused, it doesn’t mean he’s crazy.’ 

Dean was about to argue before Bobby’s pointed glare made him snap his mouth shut.  
He rubbed his hands through his hair, frustrated and worried.  
‘Even if he’s not crazy, he doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not. Odds are he doesn’t even know where he is so how should we know?’ Dean looked to Bobby with pleading eyes, but Bobby couldn’t answer, he stayed silent, looking away. 

The tense silence pushed Dean to reopen the camera footage of their last lead, watching it closely for the giant man that was his little brother.

Bobby kept glancing to Dean, watching the exhausted man stare at the screen with slightly glazed eyes.  
He wouldn’t say it, but Bobby was worried about the man, he’d watched him go from unhealthily motivated to angry and exhausted. 

He knew that Dean didn’t mean to be bitter about Sam, but Dean never seemed to let go of lies, and Bobby knew that the real reason he was so upset was because he believed that it was his fault for not working it out sooner, for not instantly knowing what was wrong with his brother.

Bobby let out a breathe of air, eyes burning from the constant watching of screens.  
He tried to cover his worry for Sam for Dean and his own sake, but from what He had been told, Sam was in trouble. Being alone with a hallucination of the devil which you believe to be real can’t lead to anything good.

Bobby stretched his neck as he watched Dean discretely try and crack his back that had been irritating him all week. He decided to pull out his trump card.  
‘Hey Dean, I think there’s a hunt nearby, you wanna work on it?’ 

Dean looked at him quickly, ‘but what if we miss something about Sammy?’  
‘Come on, at most it will be a few days and anything we miss we can easily catch up on.’ 

Dean was about to object but saw the true reason behind the question. He sighed, he knew he was falling apart and needed to get out of his head.’  
‘Alright, what are we hunting.’ Dean conceded.

Bobby smiled, turning the laptop he barely knew how to use to Dean.  
‘I’m pretty sure it’s a werewolf pack, they’ve been travelling through South Dakota and leaving a trail of bodies behind. They should be around here today or tomorrow if they keep moving at the same pace.’ 

Dean nodded, mind finally engaged in something new.  
‘Alright then, how many are you thinking?’ 

‘Pretty standard, looking at how many people they’re going through, I’d say about five of the sons of bitches.’  
Dean raised his eyebrows approvingly.  
‘We can manage that.’ 

Dean felt the familiar adrenaline in his blood at the thought of a proper hunt. He needed a win.  
Bobby cleared his throat lightly then stood up, hiding the wince from his old bones. 

‘Well then, let’s start getting ready.’  
Dean agreed and pulled himself out of his chair, shaking his feet slightly as he felt the pins and needles run down his legs. 

As Bobby was walking out the room, Dean called out to him.  
‘Hey Bobby? Thanks.’  
Bobby stayed silent but Dean knew he understood.  
Dean cleared his head of the stress as he focused on finding his gun, they’d find Sam, but he needed the break or he’d burn out and leave his little brother with nobody. 

********************

Sam jumped out of his skin at the dull murmur from behind the thin walls.  
He scoffed, shaking his head, of course he’s more scared of people talking than he is in front of the Devil with a bloody knife in his hands. 

He briefly wondered whether the people outside had heard him scream, but, honestly, he was too tired to care. his brain just couldn’t string together the emotion and the thought. 

He couldn’t remember how long he’d been gone, he drifted from motel to motel, going wherever Lucifer suggested. He argued at first, but he soon learnt the punishment wasn’t worth it, it seemed to be a running theme in his life concerning the devil. He always won. 

He didn’t know which injuries were real, and which ones were fabricated. The horrified looks from the people around him often gave him his answer. Lucifer never allowed Sam back into the reality he wanted anymore, apparently ‘there was nobody to hide from now.’

Either way, everything hurt, his own soul ached from the exhaustion.  
He drifted in and out of the cage minute by minute, blacking out from the agony only to be greeted by flames. 

He looked up at Lucifer, his blood speckling his cheek like freckles, the grin on his lips alone was torturous, it followed him wherever he looked.  
‘What’s the matter, Sammy? Have you had enough.’ Lucifer mocked. 

Sam did nothing but nod, for some reason hoping, just once, that Lucifer would take pity on him.  
Obviously, this only fuelled the devil, the glint of excitement flowing through his eyes. 

He thrusted the blade into Sam’s side, dragging it across his stomach.  
Sam moaned in pain, too tired to scream; he felt his organs pull at the walls of his body, as lucifer forced his hands into the deepening wound, clawing through flesh and muscle, grasping at anything he could, pulling and squeezing and tearing. 

Sam choked on his own screams, tears burning his eyes and distorting the face of Lucifer in front of him, until he only saw the silhouette and shining eyes.  
A heavy whimper broke through, hyperventilating and his body twitched and spasmed, setting his wound on fire, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, it was all just painpainpainpain. 

He sucked in a huge breathe as Lucifer pulled his hands from the gash, dragging his intestines with them, Sam cried out, repulsion flooding through him as he watched his own insides pulse and squirm in Lucifer’s fist.  
He forced his eyes away, trying to breathe, trying to pull himself together. He couldn’t let Lucifer ruin him. He just needed to make it through.

‘Make it through what, Sam?’ Lucifer’s voice broke through his mind, Sam looked at him, too shocked to utter a word. 

‘This whole, ‘I just need to survive a little longer’ mentality, what’s it good for? There’s nothing to get through, you’re never leaving, there’s no light at the end of this black, flaming tunnel you’re dragging yourself through day in, day out. That’s what I’ve been trying to make you understand. Why not make it easier for yourself; because this? This is eternal. _I_ am eternal and you are eternally _mine_ . Because you’re hopeless, you can’t get through this, there is nothing for you to get through, you have nothing to fight for because this is the end of your road.’ 

Lucifer pressed his cold, bloody hand against Sam’s sweating cheek, Sam tried to pull himself away, but couldn’t get his head to budge, he was tired, so, so tired. ‘But, but what if Dean comes for me?’ He asked hopelessly, voice like a child, calling for his mother.

Lucifer laughed quietly, ‘you told him not to, Sam. Remember? He will never even look for you, and it’s your own fault.’ 

A lump rose into Sam’s throat, he couldn’t stop the crushing sorrow. He found he cried often these days, but it was usually from pain. But this wasn’t from a blade, or a hammer, or nails through his nerves. This was agony rearing it’s ugly head from Sam’s chest, he couldn’t pretend this wasn’t happening, his body shook and his vision faded in and out of focus as he choked and hiccuped on his sobs, Lucifer forcefully wrapped his arms around Sam, his fingers dragging across and into his wounds not going unnoticed.

‘I just want to be safe.’ Sam got out, after stuttering over the words for too long. ‘I know, Sammy. And you know how to do it. All you need to do is give up. Make this stop, then we can stay in the cage, the place you’ve been in most of your life. Your real safe place.’ 

Sam’s world seemed to stop as he came to the realisation. ‘This? This is the hell. This is your game, isn’t it?’  
Lucifers stayed silent, the only indication his smile, ear to ear, confirming his words.  
‘This has always been worse.’ 

‘So, what are you going to do?’ Lucifer questioned slyly.  
‘What I have to.’ Sam whispered, he needed to escape. 

‘It’s better this way, Sammy. You know that.’ Lucifers voice set Sam’s teeth on edge, but he was dull, he didn’t care.  
He needed to get out, he just needed to get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was too gory, but thanks to anyone who’s reading this! Leave a comment or kudos if you have any feedback, I always like to know what I can improve, thanks again and enjoy!  
> 


	17. Helpless

Sam’s hands shook as he held his gun, the cool metal familiar in his hands, each groove and edge a comfort, like an extension of himself, he supposed that’s where the problems started. What kind of healthy person carried a gun as easily as a pen? 

His face burned as fear coursed through him, he’d contemplated it before, but he’d never gotten this far, Dean had always been there as an anchor, or a distraction, but he was gone now. 

‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you’re the one that left.’   
‘And you’re the reason I left.’ Sam forced out.   
Lucifer’s taunts had only become more constant, he wasn’t sure if they were spurring him on or holding him back. 

Sam checked the cartridge carefully, making sure there wasn’t any room for error. If he messed this up, he didn’t think he’d have the guts to do it again.   
‘Come on, Sammy. Just do it.’   
Lucifer groaned with an infantile twinge. 

Sam hesitated slightly, he knew this was what Lucifer wanted, but in the moment he couldn’t find any reason not to do just what he asked for.   
He pressed the now warm metal to his chin, the steel already digging into his skin.   
He ran his finger over the trigger, it would be so easy to just press it down, one movement, a few muscles. 

But his body wouldn’t let him; he tried to push down, but his wobbling digits wouldn’t move, sweat glazed his hands, making it hard to hold the weapon. His stomach flipped and twisted in fear, his heart reached his throat and he could practically feel his skull hurt.

He couldn’t help but picture Dean, Bobby, everybody he cared about in what he _needed_ to be his final moments, Dean’s smile and Bobby’s fond shake of the head.

His eyes brimmed at the realisation of never seeing them again, he remembered why he wanted to stay, it was to see their faces, to be with them instead of forgetting them, forgetting how they sounded, how they looked. No matter the consequences; no matter what Lucifer put him through, whatever he was forced to see, he had to remember them and he couldn’t do that in hell, he couldn’t even remember himself in there. 

He pressed the gun harder against his chin, trying with all his strength to just move his fingers. But nothing. He couldn’t.  
He threw it against the wall, shouting in anger and frustration, he couldn’t even end his own life properly. 

Before he could process anything, he caught sight of Lucifer’s steely expression, Sam’s blood turned as cold as the devil’s hands.   
‘You’re so pathetic, you can’t even kill yourself? Huh, funny how you were the man who supposedly saved the world. You can’t even save yourself, can’t even pull the trigger of a gun.’ A cold laugh reverberated through the room.

‘Shut up.’ Sam whispered, Lucifer’s words moved sluggishly through his brain, like an old tape, skipping and restarting.  
‘Please. I just can’t.’ Sam pleaded, he almost laughed at how he was actually trying to bargain with the devil.

Lucifer seemed to think the same thing as he grinned.  
‘You and I know that I don’t care, Sammy boy. You were so close! I know it’s difficult but it’s the best for both of us, I’m bored and you’re helpless.’   
Sam ignored him as best as he could, trying to regain a level head. 

‘I’m trying, I just can’t.’ Sam felt like he couldn’t breathe, why couldn’t he just die?   
‘How about I make it easier for you.’   
The growl in Lucifer’s voice made Sam turn around, he saw a large hammer in his hands.  
‘Let’s see if you _just can’t_ after every bone in your body is in pieces.’ 

Sam felt a lump regain its place in his throat, he knew what the Devil meant but it still filled him with dread.  
Sam’s heart cried at the sight, it wasn’t fair, he’d fucked up but how could he deserve this?

He wished that he’d blacked out after the first few fingers being shattered. He didn’t. 

**************************

Dean grinded his already sore teeth in thinly concealed frustration, the hunt ended a day ago and already he felt just as agitated, every lead they followed were either too old or completely off track, he usually tried to keep a list of positives in the back of his mind, but right now he had nothing to go on. 

Bobby was following a possible lead a few miles away, Dean hoped he’d find a new piece of information by the time he got back but he couldn’t find squat, if anything it had gotten too quiet ever since Sammy left. 

His head was pounding at the amount of work he’d been doing, his fingers ached from the constant typing and writing, but he didn’t have a thing to show for it.  
His phone buzzed on the table, pulling him from his spiral.

‘Hey Bobby.’ Dean groaned, trying not to get his hopes up.  
‘You alright kid?’ Bobby’s voice rang down the phone, concerned.  
‘Yeah, I’ll be fine once we finally find him, did that hunch pan out?’ 

Dean heard a sigh over the line and his shoulders dropped.  
‘No, it was just some kid with long hair, not Sam.’ 

‘Alright, it’ll be fine.’ Dean said more so to himself than Bobby.   
‘I know, I’m sorry it wasn’t helpful, but I got another possible lead if you wanna check it out.’

Dean stretched his back out, grabbing his pen. ‘Hit me with it.’ 

‘A guy sent in a complaint about somebody screaming and talking in his motel room, but when he knocked he didn’t get a response, I managed to pick it up on the police scanner, I talked to the front desk for a little while and from what they described it seemed like it could be Sam; it seems promising, do you want to wait for me to come back?’ 

Dean was already getting out of his chair, ‘no, it’s fine, just tell me where it is.’ He said curtly, adrenaline already running through his stagnant muscles.  
‘Alright, but be careful, okay? We don’t know what kind of state he could be in, he’s been with Lucifer for weeks on his own, he could barely be coherent, if he’s still even there or ever was.’ 

Dean went quiet for a second, ‘I know, Bobby.’   
After writing down the address, he hung up.   
The idea of Sam being in pain worried him, he wondered what he was going through all on his own with Lucifer, the memory of what happened when he wasn’t alone plagued his mind.  
It must be practically the same as the cage, Dean shuddered at the thought. 

Dean pulled open the door of the impala, throwing his notes in the vacant passenger seat, he revved the engine, excited to finally have a proper chance at finding his little brother, his Metallica cassette tape started up and he smiled at the familiar sound. He’d make sure to understand what happened, to be there for Sam like he wasn’t before.  
Dean looked over to the empty seat, ‘I’m coming, Sammy.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not too sure about this one, it felt kind of like a cop-out so sorry about that, but thank you for reading the work and please leave any feedback you have because it’s always helpful, thanks and enjoy!


	18. Minutes

Dean ran yet another red light and gritted his teeth, he hadn’t felt this urgent since he was going to make a deal for his dead little brother, he would’ve laughed at the irony if it wasn’t so damn depressing. 

He’d been trying to dial down his hope for the past hour, but by now he’d given up, he couldn’t help but to expect to find Sam.   
His stomach felt empty yet sickly full, his anxiety was rolling through him over and over like waves, the idea of how he’d find Sam terrified him; what if he was completely gone? What if he was dying? Hell, what if he was already dead. 

Dean shook his head, not wanting to go down that road even though he’d done it hundreds of time during this drive alone.   
‘Come on Dean, get it together.’ He muttered to himself, trying to get his racing thoughts under control. 

Dean’s mind went back to all the shit they’d been through together, from both of them dying, to the lies and deceits he had to admit to participating in too. This couldn’t be the straw that broke the camels back. If they’d made it through all that, they could make it through this. He hoped, anyway. 

His stomach grumbled in protest as he passed another diner, but he shook his head, he didn’t have the time. He could eat when he had Sam in his direct vision. He’d never let his eyes off him again. And he wouldn’t, he _couldn’t_ waste time; even if it meant not taking care of himself, he didn’t have Sam nagging him to shower, or ‘eat a salad every now and then’. It was a void passenger seat and an empty room. 

Gritting his teeth, he pushed harder on the acceleration, counting down the miles, the minutes; until he could save his brother.

Anxiety made his fingers and chest tingle as he passed the road sign for the city. He wasn’t sure wether he was excited or if he was dreading the sight he could encounter, the thought kept hitting him, he never wanted to see Sam terrified of the room he was in but he couldn’t deny expecting it.

He pulled up to the seedy motel, he hated how he considered these places a second home, but it was a familiar sight outside the impala window.   
He straightened his cheap suit jacket, wanting to seem at least a bit convincing.

‘You got this Dean. Just like a usual job. Only difference is that you’re looking for Sammy. You can keep it together.’   
His mantra of _I’m fine_ was starting to ware thin, but it still worked. 

He pulled his now semi dead legs out of the car, making sure his gun was tucked away and that he had his badge in his pocket.   
He took a heavy breathe, wiping his jaw slightly as he dragged his shoulders back, hiding the weary exhaustion in his back. 

Pushing through the creaky door, he looked to the front desk, occupied by a man, a kid, really, reading a comic.

‘Uh, hey. Police department. You called about a disruptive tenant?’ Dean asked, slightly annoyed at the guy’s apathy.

‘Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah. He’s been quiet for a while, I’ll take you to the room.’   
He stood up slowly, nearly tripping over the cluttered and discoloured carpet. 

Dean grimaced at the stale smell as they walked up the stairs, he couldn’t help but worry that they would give in at any moment from a single misstep.  
‘So how long has he been here?’ 

‘Uh, about two days?’   
Dean nodded, glad he got there relatively quickly.

‘Hey, what’s your name?’ Dean asked, the unexpectedly long walk making him nervous.  
‘James. You?’  
‘Reggy.’ Dean cringed at his dreadful name choice. 

But James didn’t seem to notice, he just grinned lazily and pushed open the door to the second floor.  
‘Why didn’t you kick him out yesterday? If he was pissing everyone else off, why isn’t he gone already?’ Dean questioned, slightly unsure of himself. 

James laughed, ‘and lose the money for the next night? Nah. This place is going under and every dollar helps.’   
Dean laughed, not even sure why he asked. 

As the boy slowed down, Dean’s hands started to sweat slightly.  
‘He’s in here.’ 

‘Okay, let me go in first.’ Dean said, nearly reaching for his weapon on instinct.   
He pushed the door open as slowly as he could.  
‘Sammy? You in there? It’s Dean. I’m coming in.’ Dean said slowly, giving up on his alias. 

He pushed the door open fully, instantly regretting it, his eyes widened as he saw blood smearing half the surfaces in the room, hands dragged across the carpeting, Sam-sized splatters against the cream walls.  
‘Holy fuck.’ Dean whispered, slamming closed the door before the kid could look in. 

‘What?’ He asked.   
‘Go back downstairs, kid. Pretend this never happened and go on with your day. Don’t give anyone this room, ok.’   
Dean growled, not leaving any room for argument.

James stuttered for a second then nodded, running down the hall.

‘Sammy? I’m coming in again. Come out if you’re there, okay? It’s me. You don’t gotta be scared.’   
He swung the door in, the metallic and heavy stench of dried, rotting blood assaulting his nostrils.

He furrowed his eyebrows, fully taking in the sight. Some of the rooms seemed untouched, it was like as soon as he walked in he was torn apart.   
A lump grew in his throat as he thought that that was probably what happened.

‘Sam?’ He whispered, walking carefully on the damp ground; taking in the broken decorations and ripped, cheap canvases.

He pushed open one of the slightly ajar doors, dread filling his soul and gut.

He instantly coughed, eyes starting to water at the misted blood in his face.

‘Sammy!’ He shouted, temporarily blinded.   
He rubbed his eyes furiously, looking about. The tiled flooring was absolutely coated in red, Sam’s hunting blade lying in the pool.   
Dean saw footprints smeared along the ground, leading to an open window.

‘Fuck, Sam. I was so close.’   
He pulled the sticky knife from the mess.  
Anger welling in his chest. 

He half wished the devil would return so he could shove it up his ass. 

************

Sam coughed and spluttered in pain, looking longingly at the impala as he started the engine of the crappy Honda.  
His whole body was imploding, Lucifer had done more to him than normal, and he’d barely had a moment to pull himself together before they heard the impala’s roaring engine. 

‘You better start driving Sammy, can’t let yourself be found, can you?’   
Sam stayed silent, desperate to just make a run for it, to just make it to Dean. But Lucifer’s breathe creeping up his spine reminded him how impossible such a task was, like running through water with 40 pound weights on his ankles.

He pulled away from the curb, tears racing down his cheeks as he swallowed his wheezes of pain and anguish. He was so fucking close. 

He just wanted his brother. He wanted to be in the impala, listening to Dean’s awful singing, not Lucifer’s taunts, he didn’t want to feel his blades any longer.   
_please, please. Just find me. Get me out. Dean._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this one, leave any feedback or kudos if there’s anything I could add or if you have anything to say.   
> Thanks to everyone who’s reading, and I hope you enjoy!


	19. Run

Dean stormed out of the room with a mission in mind, he was hyperaware of his brother’s, _Sam’s_ , blood covering his hands, and making his boots squelch. 

He stormed over to the front desk, too flustered to even consider his approach.  
‘Get me the camera footage to outside that room right now.’ He growled, moments away from having a breakdown. 

James’ fingers stumbled over the keyboard as he tried to remember what to do, the panic not making it any easier.  
‘NOW.’ Dean barked, making sure his gun was visible, he couldn’t wait another second.

The boy turned pasty and green all at once, bile rose in his throat as he forced himself to calm down and figure everything out, he wasn’t going to die in this shitty weekend job. 

To both of their relief, he got the footage of the streets outside, ‘here,’ he whispered, voice cracking as he scrambled out of the way.

Dean twisted around to look at the screen, he skipped through the tape until he saw the small window open.  
He watched as Sam’s mangled, bloody body dragged itself out of the minuscule space, eyes wild and afraid.  
He watched as he held his breathe and let go of the ledge, landing heavily on his ankle and knee, but barely flinching as he crawled to an empty vehicle, Dean thought that he wouldn’t of looked out of place in the walking dead.

‘God, Sammy. What happened to you?’ Dean croaked, his insides felt raw and heavy as the scene replayed in his mind’s eye, the fear on Sam’s face, the elbow that most definitely shouldn’t have been facing the way it was, the blood coating all of his ragged clothing. It was a nightmare. 

Dean’s eyes locked onto the car he’d gotten into, he grabbed a biro from the desk, writing the number plate, and cringing as he wrote down the make.   
He took a few heavy breathes, he was back on track.  
‘Sorry, kid. I’m just looking for my brother.’   
Dean groaned.  
James looked at him fearfully but also pityingly, ‘it’s okay, I get it. Family’s important. Go find him, and no offence, but please don’t come back here.’ 

Dean rose his eyebrows at the response, not expecting it. He nodded at the man, before starting to jog back to the impala.   
He slid down into the familiar leather, sighing heavily before reaching to the back seat to grab Sam’s laptop.

As he typed in the numbers with shaky fingers, he couldn’t escape the vision of Sam, he knew he wasn’t okay, he’d seen the scene in the room, but looking at Sam in that state, it finally felt completely real, that maybe, just maybe, Sam couldn’t just bounce back. 

Dean gritted his teeth in defiance of his own thoughts.   
He sighed in relief as he saw the latest hit on the plate, it wasn’t too far.

He revved the engine, prepared to chase down his little brother for what he hoped to be the last time. 

*************************

Sam snapped between reality and red as he swerved slightly between lanes, the noise of angry drivers shouting his way dragging him through.   
‘Sorry.’ He whispered to nobody in particular. Lucifer laughing at him the only reason he realised his mistakes.

Lucifer whacked his arm; ‘you should be more careful, Sammy, you’re gonna get yourself hit.’   
Sam wanted to retort that he was pretty sure he was already dying of blood loss, but he held his tongue, for once. 

‘How much further do you want to go?’ Sam asked, too exhausted to keep moving.  
‘Pull over here.’ Lucifer ordered, Sam furrowed his eyebrows, ‘there isn’t anything around here.’

Lucifer looked him over, then growled ‘do what I say, or there’ll be a hot poker through your eyes soon enough’   
Sam silently stopped by the road, knowing Lucifer would follow through. 

‘Flag someone down.’ Lucifer said as Sam clambered out of the car.  
Sam stayed quiet as he threw his hand out to get someone.

After about a minute, a man pulled over next to him, concern on his face as he looked over Sam, as if he’d been thrown off a building.  
Sam nearly laughed as he guessed that was how he looked. 

‘You okay man?’   
Sam smiled weakly, ‘I’ll live? Could I get a ride?’   
The guy watched him for a moment wearily, ‘sure.’ 

Sam sighed heavily, ‘thanks so much, man.’   
He grappled with the door handle for a moment, too weak to pull hard enough.  
‘Let me help,’ the guy said, reaching over and opening it with ease. 

Sam tried to smile but he couldn’t help but be pissed at how much he was falling apart.   
Flopping down in the passenger’s seat felt familiar, but it still wasn’t right. 

‘What’s your name?’ Sam asked.  
‘Corey, you?’   
He hesitated for a moment, but couldn’t be bothered ‘Sam.’

It went back to silence rather quickly, as Corey opened and closed his mouth with hundreds of questions, he should probably be going to the hospital but he could tell Sam would argue. 

Sam was just about to close his eyes before Lucifer started talking. ‘Dean knew the number plates, there were cameras outside the motel, if I didn’t know how out of sorts you are, I would’ve thought you’d done it on purpose.’ 

The pointed edge in his voice reached Sam’s core, his eyes burned at the thought of Dean looking for him.   
‘So where were you headed?’ Sam asked, wanting to draw his attention away from his own thoughts.

‘Uh, I was going to my buddy’s place, but I might have to take you to the hospital, it look like you at least have a dislocated shoulder.’   
Sam raised his eyebrows and looked down to his arm, he shuffled it a bit, barely feeling anything.  
‘It seems fine to me.’ 

Corey laughed, ‘well, you definitely have a high pain tolerance, but if you’re not willing to go, we need to stop at a store, your clothes are fucked.’ 

Sam curled his lips in embarrassment, ‘Sorry, I’m a bit of a reck at the moment.’   
Corey looked amused, ‘I can tell.’ 

The silence returned, well, except for Lucifer whistling to the radio, scraping his nails along Sam’s neck, making his shiver with chills racing along his skin. 

Sam looked out of the window, wondering how far away Dean was, how far away anybody who could save him were.  
As they drove down the road, Sam missed the growl of the impala that he used to complain about, he smiled at how he used to say it was too old, but now he almost hated the quiet purr of the engine. 

‘Don’t worry, you won’t need to listen to him much longer, I’ll make sure you deal with the loose ends.’   
Sam’s blood ran cold at the implications, he knew Lucifer could make him do anything, Sam couldn’t handle everything Lucifer did. He just prayed he had some form of limit, that even Lucifer couldn’t make him go that far. 

But even so, Sam’s throat shut off with the knowledge that if he could make it, Lucifer would never make it easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the wait between chapters will be a bit longer for a while, I have so much work I’ve been procrastinating.   
> I hope you guys like this chapter and leave a kudos or comment if you have any feedback, I’m open to anything! So thanks for reading and enjoy!


	20. Snap

Dean slammed his fist into the dashboard as the fuel gage fell further and further into the red, ‘Come on, baby, he’s only a few miles away.’ Dean pleaded.   
The car groaned but carried on dragging itself along on dregs. 

Dean’s eyes burned whenever he blinked. he’d been straining so hard, just a few more miles, he thought.   
He felt antsy, the car hadn’t moved for the past thirty minutes, he was worried about why but decided to not look this gift horse in the mouth.

A smile graced the corners of his lips as he saw the vehicle, he pulled up as soon as he could, scrambling out of the door and sprinting to the usually unsightly car, but now it looked more like a beacon screaming Sam.  
He reached it, grabbing onto the frame for balance as he looked inside.

His heart dropped as his eyes were hit with the glaring nothingness.  
‘Fuck.’ He whispered, panic slowly seeping from his bones into his rapidly beating heart.

He glanced around wildly, it was the middle of no where, no cameras, no main roads, just an endless expanse of road and densely packed trees.  
He pushed his body towards the woods, breathing already louder than it should’ve been, he cursed those extra burgers and skipped runs.  
‘Sam?’ He called, head spinning as he entered the greenery.

‘Sammy? Where are you?’ He shouted, eyes burning for what felt like the thousandth time today.  
‘Please, just answer me.’ Dean squeaked, desperate to just hear his little brother say his name, even if it didn’t hold an ounce of recognition, he just needed the kid to answer him. 

His shoulders slumped as he stared across the endless space, the only sound his breathing and the occasional bird cry, the peace mocking his every thought.  
How was he supposed to find him? He had the perfect lead, he was metres away, but Dean couldn’t even do that right. His job consisted of finding people and he couldn’t even find his brother, the person he was supposed to know the most. 

He span aimlessly, just searching for something, anything. He’d take a stray dog at this point, the paranoia setting him on edge. He’d always hated the woods.

His back hit a tree, raking through the bark as he fell to the ground, ripping his jacket and stabbing his shoulder blades; but he didn’t care. It was useless. He couldn’t find the strength to stand up.

He hated himself for it, Sam was being tortured, torn to pieces in his own head, and Dean couldn’t even stand straight, pain radiated through his heart, making his stomach feel like it was doing cartwheels with a fifteen tonne weight in it. What was wrong with him? 

He pulled his head up, feeling his neck protest, he looked to the excruciating blue sky, he’d given up on prayer, he’d been trying for too long with zero result, he felt so lost; he didn’t know where he was, he didn’t know where Sam was. He didn’t know what to do next, he couldn’t go back to Bobby without Sam, he’d already decided on that. 

He would never openly admit it, but he was scared. Terrified. He had to stay calm for Sam, but inside him he could barely keep things together; he didn’t know what was happening, and he didn’t know how to fix it. That’s what scared him the most, this time, a plaster from the dollar tree wouldn’t fix everything, a bowl of lucky charms wouldn’t make the problems go away. He couldn’t help, and it was tearing him to pieces. 

He shut his eyes, trying to force the tears away, but it only made it hurt more, the darkness like a slap in the face, air caught in his throat as he hiccuped silently, trying to just hold it back, because once his barriers broke down, he had no idea when it would all stop, if it ever would.

The shame, the guilt, the fear, it all welled up in his chest, preparing to attack like a pack of hyenas, laughing as they took chunks out of his very being. He couldn’t do anything, not for himself, and not for Sam. 

He slammed his hand on his knee, gripping it tightly for some form of stability. Of course, it did nothing. 

There were no deals he could make, no demon would deal, not that they could even begin to do anything. The angels would laugh in his face, hell, he doubted God himself would even take pity on him. 

His eyes felt heavy and gritted, his body ached and screamed for a break, didn’t it understand that he had to find Sam? He didn’t matter until his brother was safe. It had been his mantra his entire life, behind his father’s iron fist and training drills, Sammy was the only thing dragging him through life with a smile on his face. 

‘Please, Sammy. Just come back. I need you.’ He whispered.  
Dean propped his head on his knees as his eyes closed, too tired to even realise the action, his throat felt raw and too large for his neck, as he struggled to keep himself from falling all the way to the ground. Part of him wished that he’d wake up and this would all be a dream.

But when have the Winchesters ever been that lucky? 

*****************************

Blood dripped from his hands, the warm, treacly liquid crawled across his skin faster than the blood within his veins, dazed, shocked, but not quite afraid, not quite upset.   
Gurgling echoed through the dark, pulling his ears from his own heartbeat, calmer than it should’ve been. 

He’d heard the sound hundreds of times, some called it the death rattle, the final breathe, the end of the line. But he just called it a job finished, another monster finally cleared from the earth.

But this one. This one wasn’t a monster, it was a man, a kind, honest, man. And now, he was gone.  
And somehow, he couldn’t find it within himself to feel bad, or wrong. It was all numb. Like something was missing. Like there was a hole in his heart, or soul. 

‘That’s right, Sammy. Don’t you think this is easier? Easier than stopping the monsters. So much better to just be one of them, so much simpler to just kill them instead of covering your tracks with lies, with confusion. And not only that, it’s rather fun, don’t you think?’   
Lucifer whispered into the ears of Sam, body still in the shape of Dean, Sam’s blood coating every inch of his rather unflattering flannel shirt.

Lucifer grinned at the blank canvas of a man, he knew he’d break eventually, he just had to hit the right spots, take away what kept him so frustratingly human. He knew he’d promised his dear Sam not to use Dean, but he couldn’t help it, the absolute agony and betrayal in Sam’s face when he saw Dean with the blades and the cruel words. It was what worked. And now? He was perfect. 

‘I told you, Sam. There’s a reason you’re my vessel, change some things, remove some pieces, and you’re the best you could be.’ 

Sam just stared down at the body, barely comprehending the sight.  
Lucifer twisted the slice of soul in his hands, he’d carved away at the thing for so long, and it had finally broken, Sam was the creature he’d been trying to create for eternity, demons were too far, but this? This was right. 

Sam smiled, he might not understand, he might of felt trapped in a body that didn’t quite feel like his own, but he felt _okay_. For the first time in so, so long. No guilt, no agony, no fear. Just pure silence from his own screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait, everything’s been pretty hectic lately!  
> I’m not too sure if I jumped the gun in this, but I think the smallest experience can be the final straw, especially for Sam, tell me if you have any other opinion!   
> Thank you to everybody who’s reading this fix, it means a lot, and leave any feedback or a kudos if you want to, and enjoy!


	21. Found

Dean awoke slowly, his back was screaming at him almost as much as the birds above him.   
‘Fuck,’ he whispered, the shock of waking up in the woods dissolving into the previous panic he’d experienced.

He dragged himself to his feet, using the tree to stabilise himself ever so slightly, his head banged and his vision turned black at the sudden movement.  
He groaned, praying that he’d somehow find his way back to the road, all he could see was the expanse of green and brown.

Eventually, he managed to navigate his way to his beauty of a car, grimacing at the sheen of dust coating her; he didn’t have time to deal with that, yet.   
He sighed with relief as his back hit the smooth leather, his muscles and spine already being soothed by the positioning. 

He looked ahead of him, unsure of what to do. He was sitting at a dead end, much like this whole search.   
He rolled his eyes slightly, shoulders slanting in defeat as he reached for his phone, thanking the absentee God that it wasn’t broken after this fiasco.

‘Hey, Bobby.’ He said, making sure to inject some form of lightness into his tone, even though so much as saying two words brought his vocal chords to burn. 

‘No luck, huh?’ Bobby guessed, disappointment and pity running through his words.   
‘I was so close, Bobby. I was minutes behind him, and he lead me to a fucking dead end on purpose.’ 

Dean could practically see Bobby’s frustrated face over the line.  
‘We both know he doesn’t want to be found, Dean. Lucifer destroyed his understanding of what’s going on.’ 

‘I know, I know. But, man, Bobby you didn’t see him. I caught a look on security cams, and- and he was so scared, Bobby. He was bloody, and broken, and could barely fucking see; I don’t think we’re gonna find him alive.’   
His voice cracked, barely able to say what he’d been thinking for the past few days.   
Dean’s throat burned at the memory. 

‘Don’t think like that, son. We’ll find him, and help him. Don’t worry, we caught up to him once, we can do it again. I know it.’   
Dean couldn’t tell wether the strength and confidence in Bobby’s voice was real or if he’d just perfected the sound after responding to all of the brother’s crazy schemes. 

‘Okay Bobby. Thanks’ Dean smiled lightly, Bobby pulling his mood up instantly. 

He put the phone down, turning on his radio and placed it onto the local police line, waiting for anything suspicious, or maybe a news story about a crazy man screaming about the devil. Dean scoffed at how that was an indicator of Sam instead of some new case. 

Dean sat still, just waiting, ready to get going at the slightest call. He’d find his brother, or damn well die trying.

************************

Sam hunched over the flimsy table as Lucifer’s droning voice burrowed through to his subconscious, he didn’t care, though. His immediate mind was silent, and calm. An empty fuzz that kept him floating lightly above the world. 

He stared at the dry blood under his fingernails in indifference, he vaguely remembered his frenzy as he cleansed himself, as he broke through the fog. but he couldn’t care less right now. 

He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing, he’d come here to clean up his mess, but now it was over and he was just sitting, staring. 

Then, Lucifer’s voice broke through once more.  
‘Call you me brother, Sammy.’   
Sam furrowed his brows slightly, but still pulled out his slightly dusted phone, dialling in Dean’s number without even looking, something he’d learnt from the many times they’d been separated and kidnapped.

Lucifer smiled, Sam was ready, and could act like the boy Dean knew and cared for, his fingers twitched in anticipation of the chaos he could cause.

The phone rang once, twice, probably as Dean scrambled for it.  
‘Hello? Sammy?’ He called, the desperate sound was strange to Sam, a pit developed in his stomach, but the emotions seemed to seep from his mind.

‘Dean.’ He whispered, Lucifer’s instructions echoing through his inner ear.  
‘Come and get me, please.’ He forced out through gritted teeth, straining his voice.

‘Okay, okay Sammy, thank fucking Jesus, I’m coming where are you?’   
Sam said the name of the motel, vague memories of Dean’s face making his lips twitch into something close to a smile.

‘I’m coming, Sam. Don’t move, I’ll be there.’   
Lucifer listened to the pure hope in Dean’s voice and had to bite his lip, oh, how he’d break both of his boys. 

Sam put the phone down, looking down to himself. He’d put a jumper on to hide his stained clothing, but he knew that would do nothing to convince Dean.   
He forced his muscles into action as he reached for the duffel bag he didn’t even remember keeping with him, he reached inside to find something that hadn’t been shredded by Lucifer.

Finally, he found a shirt and some jeans. He propped them on the side of the bath as he stepped into the shower.  
It was on full heat, but he still felt cold, he guessed the hellfire has dulled his senses, he felt empty. His skin was already going red and soft, but he didn’t move to prevent it.   
He slowly wiped away the crusted blood from his own wounds, looking at the barely healing holes with bemusement. 

Sam could absently feel Lucifer’s hands on his back, the controlling sensation making his skin crawl but he didn’t try to stop him, he’d given up, at- at some point, he wasn’t even sure of the date anymore. 

As he finally pulled on his jacket, he heard the roar of an engine, it felt familiar but he couldn’t place it; he looked outside to see a black, hulking car, a smile spread on his face without him noticing.

‘That’s Dean.’ Lucifer said into his ear, the memory returned to Sam and he looked down in disappointment and shame, why couldn’t he remember that? 

Sam took a few deep breathes as he saw Dean scramble out of the car and sprint through the parking lot, he could be Sam, Lucifer might just have to give him a few instructions on how he used to act, before Lucifer had bled it out of him; he sighed at the irony. 

Dean slammed the door open, making Sam’s heart beat through the roof.   
A face splitting grin smashed into Dean’s face as he ran to Sam, dragging him into a hug that could trap a raging werewolf. 

‘Sammy.’ He said, voice breaking, ‘I finally found you.’   
‘Dean.’ Sam wheezed, trying to speak past the vice grip. ‘Can’t breathe.’ He said.

Dean chuckled as he loosened his arms, ‘sorry, sorry. I gotta ask Sam, is he gone?’ Dean’s gaze burrowed into Sam’s eyes, he waited a moment for Lucifer to tell him what to do. 

‘No, no he’s still here, he’s fainter, and I can barely hear him, but I can handle it now, I’ve worked at it.’ He said, trying to sound reassuring.   
Dean’s shoulders slumped, but he nodded in acceptance.

‘But hey, Dean. I’m fine now. I promise.’ He put on his best smile, thankfully Dean seemed to relax.

‘Well, it doesn’t matter, you’re okay, alive. And we’re together again.’ Dean said, joy in his tired features.   
‘That’s all that matters.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, not dead! I’m not 100% about this chapter but I hope you guys enjoy it, I hope you all had a good Christmas or holiday, and that you’re not too stuffed haha! Leave a kudos or feedback if you want to, I like any sort of feedback! Thanks for reading and enjoy!


	22. Home

Dean looked at Sam again, to an outsider it probably looked like he had some sort of nervous tic, but he just couldn’t believe it, Sam was sitting next to him, back in the impala. It was like a goddamn dream.

Despite all of this, Dean knew nothing was perfect, everytime he looked at Sam’s face it seemed to be more gaunt, the wounds only looking deeper, redder. The bruises and cuts on his face, arms and what he assumed to be the rest of his body would be an ugly reminder of everything that had happened; Dean grasper the wheel tighter.

It wasn’t the only problem, though. Although he was glad that Sam wasn’t twitching and looking around like somebody would attack him, he didn’t look completely like _Sam_ , he knew it was probably because of everything that had happened, and what lucifer had done, he obviously wouldn’t be fine right off the bat, but it was unsettling all the same. 

‘So, what snapped you out of it?’ Dean asked, trying to fill the silence but also through curiosity.  
Sam’s eyes flicked to Dean then he shrugged.

‘Honestly? I don’t know, it was like some moment of clarity, I guess.’ He scoffed, ‘one minute I was a, a crying mess, next I just, I don’t know, I just understood? I suppose, kind of like I just came to my senses, and realised that he wasn’t real, and the only one doing the damage was myself.’   
He shrugged again, a sheepish look in his eyes as if he knew it was lame. 

Dean laughed slightly, ‘well, there are worse ways it could’ve gone down?’   
Sam smiled and nodded slightly, indicating his reluctance to talk. 

Sam glanced at Lucifer, glad for the guide on all things Sam, for some reason his capacity to lie was skewed.   
He watched the clouds roll by, it was a strange experience; he’d been so used to flames, or his own flesh smothering his vision, but this was different, familiar yet disengaged.

Sam looked at Dean, he was almost fascinated by the sight of him, so scared yet hopeful, it vexed him.   
He turned his head to the road as he felt Dean’s gaze approach him again. 

Lucifer nudged Sam’s ribs, ‘you would be worried about him.’ He prompted.  
Sam furrowed his eyebrows; ‘So, how have you been? Don’t think I can’t tell you’re exhausted.’ 

The words felt foreign in his mouth, but he tried not to show it.  
Dean snorted, shaking his head fondly, ‘yeah it wasn’t fun, man. But I’m okay now that you’re safe.’ 

Maybe it was the fact he only had to try and save himself for what he felt like was an eternity, but Sam couldn’t conceive the logic, he gathered he’d feel this way a lot. 

The rest of the journey was relatively quiet, as they pulled up to a house, the front looked like a scrapyard, and it pulled at Sam’s heartstrings.   
‘Why are we here?’ Sam asked.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows and scoffed, ‘do you even know how long you were gone? Bobby needs to see you too Sammy.’ 

Sam opened his mouth in surprise, remembering the name, and, somewhat, the man. ‘Oh, sorry.’ He said.   
Dean stayed still for a moment until shaking his head and smiling. 

‘Come on then, let’s go.’   
Sam nodded, pulling his shoulders up.   
As they walked up to the house, Lucifer got closer to his ear.   
‘Bobby is supposed to be nice, so don’t be awkward. I’ll tell you more after your.. first meeting.’ 

Sam could feel the malice in his voice, he knew there was more to the story, maybe Bobby wasn’t as nice as he was supposed to think? He didn’t trust him already.

Dean knocked on the door, hopping on his toes like a child.   
The door opened slowly, the tenseness in the man’s shoulder seeped away as he saw the face of Dean.   
‘Dammit, son, tell me when you’re coming.’

Dean rolled his eyes, ‘sorry, Bobby. But I got a surprise for you.’ He ran over to Sam, pulling him in front of the door. 

Bobby’s eyes widened and his frown turned into a grin.   
‘Sam, thank god.’ He said as he pulled Sam into his arms. 

‘More like thank lucifer.’ The devil said, sounding like a pouting baby. 

‘Hey, Bobby.’ Sam said, trying to take in as much as he could, the hug felt a bit too tight, it reminded him of the chains melted into his flesh in the cage; he rubbed his wrists. 

Eventually, he pulled back, looking from Sam to Dean, ‘how? You lost the trail, Dean.’   
Dean laughed, ‘Sammy called me, snapped out of it.’ He said, slapping Sam’s back. 

Sam smiled, watching the men around him.  
‘Don’t worry, Sam. Just play along.’   
Lucifer said, a singing tone in his voice, flipping Sam’s hair out of his eyes; he glanced over to him then back at the scene of smiles. 

‘Well, I’ll be damned.’ Bobby said in awe.   
Sam shrugged, ‘I don’t know myself.’ 

Bobby wiped his face, ‘come on in, I can make something for the both of you.’   
As if on cue, Sam’s stomach grumbled, he didn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. 

Dean laughed at the sound, ‘we’re gonna need to beef you up again, Sammy, you look seventeen again.’   
Sam chuckled, walking through the threshold and glancing up at the devil’s trap; he was half worried he’d get trapped.

Bobby watched Sam out of the corner of his eye, he looked strange, rigid and confused. His chest released as Sam walked through the trap. But he couldn’t be sure yet. All of this was way too good to be true.   
He glanced to Dean, his shining eyes and toothy grin, he hadn’t seen the boy like that in, well, years. He’d talk to him about it later. 

After a few moments, Sam said ‘I’m just gonna head to the bathroom, I’ll see you both in a minute?’   
Dean nodded as he tried to dip his spoon into the chilli on the stove, Bobby smiled at Sam as he smacked Dean’s drifting hand. 

Sam walked up the creaky states and managed to find the right room, locking the door he turned to Lucifer.  
‘Okay, tell me who he is.’ Sam asked the grinning devil. 

Lucifer took his time, wrapping himself around Sam’s arms and putting his head on his shoulder.   
‘Your, well, Dean’s friend, Bobby? He couldn’t care less about you.’

Sam raised his eyebrows, ‘so?’   
Lucifer chuckled, ‘so, he wants to get rid of you. He thinks you drag Dean down, and wants you gone, and he’ll find any reason for it.’ 

Sam looked at Lucifer, as he raised his head, ‘and, as you know. I’m not finished with you, or Dean. So you can’t leave his side.’ 

‘So, you want me to kill him?’ Sam asked.  
Lucifer shook his head, realising that the lack of emotion could make him slightly too quick to deal with problems permanently. 

‘No, I want you to get rid of him first, destroy him, make Dean hate him, make him hate himself, doubt himself. Make him wish you _had_ killed him.’ 

Lucifer grinned as Sam nodded, ‘okay, I can do that.’ Sam smiled, happy to get payback on the lying man, Lucifer hated liars, so he must be really bad, right?   
‘Good boy. Keep this up, and you’ll be rewarded with more, maybe I’ll even let you be happy’ Lucifer whispered 

Sam smiled, although the empty feeling was almost a comfort, happiness seemed, nice. ‘Thank you.’ Sam said.

He walked back down the stairs, to see Bobby picking up some bowls and Dean falling in and out of sleep on the rickety couch.  
Lucifer smiled at his toys, he could envision the destruction brought upon the men that dragged him back to hell. 

‘Hey, is it ready?’ Sam said, smiling at the man he would bring to his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I’m saying this a lot, but sorry for the wait haha. Hope everyone’s having a good start to 2019 and that you enjoy the chapter! Leave a kudos or feedback if you want to, I appreciate your input! Thank you to everyone reading and that you enjoy!


	23. Act

Sam stared at the man in front of him, watching as he laughed slightly at Dean’s ravenous face as he destroyed his plate. 

Although Sam could see the fondness for Dean in his eyes, he couldn’t ignore the shifted glances towards him, it made him twitch for the blade in his jacket. 

‘Hey Sammy, pass the bread.’ Dean said through a mouthful, practically unintelligible but knocking Sam out of his daze.   
‘Oh, yeah sure.’ He said.   
As he handed over the plate, he realised how weak his muscles felt, the lack of food and training definitely put him on the rocks and it didn’t go unnoticed. 

‘Eat your food, Sam.’ Dean said, the pleading look in his eyes silencing Sam’s arguments.   
Slowly, he placed the food in his mouth, trying not to grimace at the ashy aftertaste; while lucifer had stopped torturing him, he was pretty sure the lack of taste was a constant affect of the cage. 

While chewing absentmindedly, he watched Bobby’s face indiscreetly, and Bobby returned the favour, almost as a challenge. 

After the noticeable silence and scraping of cutlery, Dean waddles back to the couch to have a ‘beauty nap’, Sam scoffed as he picked up some plates and carried them to the countertop. 

As he turned around, he felt something sharp against his abdomen, for a moment he thought that Lucifer had changed his mind, but he looked over to see Bobby holding an angel blade towards him.   
‘Who are you? Cos I know damn well you ain’t Sam.’ 

Sam wanted to just snap the old man’s neck and get it over with, but he knew it would only fuck things up.   
‘What are you talking about, Bobby? It’s me.’ 

Bobby laughed, almost sounding like he was in pain.   
‘Don’t play with me, using one of my boys as a puppet, don’t think I can’t tell how shifty you look.’ 

Sam rolled his eyes as he saw lucifer staring at him as if he was an idiot. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from humanity, Sammy. Is that people feel guilty when you remind them what you’ve been through, knives can’t be a good thing for your emotional state, can they Sammy? All that torture fucked you up, surely?’ 

Sam sighed, preparing to force some despair into his frustration.   
‘Bobby, please. Put the goddamn knife down.’   
Sam’s voice shook almost as much as his hands, he channeled the vague memory of the emotions he felt before his deal with Lucifer, the fear and confusion. 

‘No. Whoever you are, either get the fuck out or I’ll run you through, I don’t care wether it kills Sam.’ Bobby’s voice turned into a growl, and Sam understood his aversion. 

Sam pulled back, holding onto the counter to keep himself steady, he could see Bobby faltering.  
He started hyperventilating, tears brushing over his eyes.   
‘Please, stop.’ He whispered.

On impulse, Bobby came closer, heightening the blade, Sam covered his face, rocking his body slightly, he almost laughed at the sight it must’ve been.  
‘Please, Lucifer stop. Kill me, stop taunting me for fucks sake.’   
Sam grated it out, pretty sure he’d said these words to Dean as well.

‘Oh fuck, kid.’ Bobby whispered, slamming the blade on the side and running to Sam’s side, trying to push his hands aside.   
‘Im sorry, it’s alright, looks like I was wrong. I’m sorry.’ 

Sam whacked him off, ‘get away from me.’ He breathed, scrambling back as far as he could.   
Bobby raised his hands to placate the man.   
‘Look, I’m sorry. Hey, hey it’s fine; it’s me kid.’ 

Sam looked up slightly, god, being crazy was annoying.   
‘Bobby? Wh- why? I don’t understand, did I do something?’ 

Bobby frowned, kneeling next to him. ‘Well, huh, no not really just, you look spaced out, confused.’   
Sam laughed, ‘honestly? When I walked in I had no fucking clue who you were, hell, it took me embarrassingly long to fully recognise my own brother.’ 

Bobby looked at him in awe, ‘but, how? What does that even mean.’   
Sam sighed, looking ahead of him, ‘whether I’m in hell or not, it doesn’t matter; whenever I close my eyes it feels like I’ve just spent an eternity back in the pit, and almost every day it’s like starting all over again, trying to remember faces that had been burned away, or even concepts like the fact that I have a brother. Those losses, _that_ is the real torture.’

Sam looked to the man, trying to ignore Lucifer’s gasping laughter behind him; Bobby’s eyes scrutinised him, trying to find the lie he knew was there, Sam cursed the fact that Bobby wasn’t completely blinded by his presence. 

‘Look, Bobby. I know I’m fucked up, I mean, I still see bloody hooks behind every corner; but i _am_ , myself.’   
Sam watched Bobby buckle under his patented puppy dog eyes, ‘Jesus, son. Come here.’ He grunted as he pulled Sam into a bone crushing hug. 

Sam sighed heavily, a small smile spreading across his lips, slowly, he reached to the blade discarded on the floor.   
Suddenly, Lucifer grabbed his wrist. ‘Not yet, Sam. Soon.’ 

He nodded, wrapping his other arm around Bobby, he hated waiting, unlike lucifer he didn’t appreciate the chase, so to speak; but he had no choice. 

‘Woah, some demon come through the back or something?’ Dean half joked, looking at the scene in front of him. 

Sam chuckled, wiping his face and looking at Dean, ‘just a little misunderstanding and some paranoia, nothing we’re not used to.’

Dean shook his head, walking out. ‘You guys are gonna get yourself killed.’

Bobby felt Sam’s eyes on him as he left the room, wiping tears from his eyes, he loved the kid like a son, and it made it all the harder to watch him lie to his face.  
He gripped the the bloody knife he’d found in Sam’s jacket. Stealing himself for the inevitable.

Sam wasn’t Sam, and he had to stop _it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy it! Leave any feedback I’m always open to it!


	24. Error

Bobby stared at Sam as discretely as he could, watching the boy’s eyes flicker around him but with a calm to them that he’d never seen before, he was always such an anxious kid but now he looks like he’d never had a care in his life. 

‘I just got a text from Rufus, he needs some back up on a Rugaru case, can you boys handle yourself until I get back?’ Bobby questioned, needing to get out of the house and fully explore his options. 

Sam stared at him for a moment, and Bobby barely caught the calculating glance to the other side of him, a smile inched across his face, an easy Look entering his features, it set Bobby on edge how he could change like the flick of a switch.  
‘Sure thing Bobby, I’ll make sure dean doesn’t burn the place down trying to cook.’ 

Dean entered the room, playfully glaring at his little brother then turning to Bobby, ‘of course, if you need any more backup we’re a call away.’ Said Dean, Bobby didn’t really want to leave them together, afraid of what Sam could do, but whatever he said Dean would never believe him.   
He smiled, slightly strained, ‘nah, I’ll be good, I’ll see you two in a few days, probably.’ 

‘Happy hunting, Bobby.’ Dean said playfully, quickly exiting the room when he sees Bobby’s death glare, chuckling as he went.   
‘Be careful, Bobby. You never know what’s around the corner.’ Sam said, the words, in any other circumstance, would’ve sounded like words of care, but Bobby’s hairs stood on end at the possible threat.  
‘Will do, son. Look after yourself too.’ 

Sam nodded lightly as Bobby walked out the door, shouting his goodbyes once again.  
He walked as quick as he could to his best down car, leaning against it and breathing heavily; the house was stifling with the secrets floating throughout it. 

Shutting his eyes for a moment, he opened the door, sliding into the old leather seat.   
He took out the knife once again, trying to get a proper look at it.   
He stared at it, the hilt was almost warm with congealed blood, he looked at the serrated edge, the almost black, dried flecks covered by a thick layer only to be topped by a still wet coating, he could already tell that this had been used dozens of times. 

‘Jesus, Sam what happened to you?’ He whispered to himself.  
Sighing, he revved the engine and pulled out of the driveway, needing to get far enough away before starting anything. 

************************

Sam stared at the ceiling above him, listening to Lucifer’s seething rant about how he’d fucked up.   
‘How could you just allow Bobby to get that knife? He wasn’t supposed to know yet, you’ve ruined _everything!_ ’  
Lucifer yelled, eyes burning bright red and flames forming around his features.   
Sam just kept staring ahead, flicking through all the excuses he could make but coming up empty on anything believable, he was hyper aware of Dean sitting on the couch next to him as he tried not to flinch at lucifer’s rage. 

‘I gotta go take a leak.’ Said Sam, standing up and walking about before Dean could say anything.   
Sam leaned against the bathroom door, praying that it was at least relatively sound proof, just in case, he stayed quiet. ‘I’m sorry, i got careless. But he has no proof, Dean wouldn’t believe a word he says; he’s fucking whipped with the Sam in his head.’   
Lucifer punched his fist through Sam’s chest, he felt his heart dislodge and exit his body; it took everything he had not to scream. 

‘That’s not the point, Sam. You’re not supposed to fuck up. _never_ do it again, understand?’   
The threat in his tone reached the dormant terror within Sam, ‘o-okay, I’m sorry. Lucifer, I’m sorry.’ He heaved, barely able to think.

Without warning, the hand was wrenched out and Sam bit down a yelp.   
‘Good, I don’t want to hurt you, Sam. But you need to understand your purpose in this.’ Lucifer whispered into his ear, placing the blood covered hand on his cheek.   
Sam breathed heavily, nodding. ‘I know, i know. I’ll fix it.’ 

‘Good, now get back out there before he notices, just so you know, you’re not actually bleeding this time.’   
Sam nodded, calming his heart and lungs. 

He walked back into the living room, Dean barely noticing as he stares at the loud movie in front of him. Sam clenched his jaw as he went through what Bobby could find out, and how he could discredit him until even dean thinks the old man is crazy.

**********************

Bobby flicked through each news story, missing family members, found butchered and bloody all across the states, following a road to where Sam was lost then found by Dean, bile rose in his throat as he stared at the crime scene images, they all had one thing in common. A tall man with a charming smile.

Bobby clenched his jaw, fishing his phone out from the piles of newspapers, dialling Rufus. ‘Hey, I think I need your help on a case.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. Nearly a whole ass month butttt I’m a lazy bitch LMAO.  
> I hope you guys like the chapter, although it doesn’t really give much, sorry again, leave any feedback you have and a kudos if you want! Enjoy!


	25. Need

Bobby’s hands shook with exhaustion and fear as he flipped yet another page in his book of lore; unfortunately there wasn’t a section of the Devil’s cage turning someone into a psychotic murderer, but he did what he could with _ad virum homicidam domari_ , but he felt like he was running through mud and it just kept dragging him back a few steps. 

He looked over to Rufus, as he tried to force his eyes to stay open as he flipped the pages. Bobby sighed, it certainly didn’t help that he couldn’t tell his friend _who_ they were looking for, but he couldn’t risk putting Sam in danger when he didn’t fully know what had happened and how he could reverse it.  
 _if_ he could reverse it.

He placed the heavy book back on the table, rubbing his eyes and reaching for his glass before realising it was empty.   
‘I’m telling you, Bobby. We need to take a break. I ain’t got a clue what’s made you so worked up about this case but it’s gonna fuck you up.’ 

Bobby groaned wordlessly, he knew Rufus was right but he’d always been too stubborn for his own good.   
‘I know, I know. Just- give me a few more minutes.’   
Rufus shook his head and got up, slapping Bobby on the back as he moved to the door to go to his room.   
‘Don’t let this kill you. Bobby.’

‘It won’t, I’m sure I can beat the fucker.’   
‘I didn’t mean the monster, man. Don’t let it consume you or you’ll end up like John.’ 

Bobby looked down; ignoring the words. Rufus had no clue. He couldn’t know that every night he lies awake worrying that Sam had murdered Dean in his sleep, or gone on another spree in Soux falls. 

Silently he reopened his lore books, the words swimming on the page but clear enough to force him into action, this would be a long night, but he made a promise to himself, that he’d set this straight. 

**************

Dean watched Sam out of the corner of his eye as he worked on one of the many cars in Bobby’s yard, sweat dripping down his cheeks as he tried to force the spark plugs into the engine, he knew it was useless but it kept his mind busy; they hadn’t heard from Bobby in a few days and it was getting him worried.

That wasn’t the only thing worrying him, Sam was too. Ever since they were left alone he’d been quiet, too quiet. His eyes shifted like they used to, but he wasn’t looking at a set point, he noticed Sam’s hands shaking at times, he’d ask and there’d be some bullshit excuse pouring out of his mouth. 

He knew Sam would still be struggling from the pit, and this is a hell of a lot better than Sam’s hallucinations tearing him to pieces like they used to. He just wished that his little brother would still confide in him. 

‘Hey Dean, we’re out of beer, do you want me to go on a run for some? We need some more shit anyway.’ Sam called from the front door, already putting his jacket on.   
‘Yeah one sec lemme finish off this part.’ 

‘You know, I think I can go on my own, Dean. I’m not ten anymore and my head isn’t exploding.’ Sam huffed, a hopeful look in his eyes.

Dean rubbed his stubble in thought, ‘I don’t know, man. I don’t want anything to happen.’   
Sam’s eyes became slightly more serious, ‘please, Dean. I need some space, I just need to drive and clear my head.’ 

Dean opened his mouth to argue, but closed it again, he seemed desperate and he didn’t blame him; he remembered when he came back, he needed the time as well. 

‘Fine, okay. But if anything happens, so much as a bad feeling, you call me, okay?’   
Sam chuckled, ‘yeah, okay. I will, Dean. Thanks.’ 

Dean nodded as he stared at Sam walking to the car, a calm look settling over his face, it was jarring how quickly it switched, he must have really needed the break. 

Sam gripped the wheel of the impala hard, sweat coating his hands and Lucifer’s words echoing in his skull, in the remains of his soul. He had to, he _needed_ to kill.   
He didn’t know why, he guessed this was another way for lucifer to control him, but right now he didn’t care, he just needed to do it, Lucifer wanted him to so why shouldn’t he? 

His mind slowed down when he felt Lucifers hand on his shoulder, a small smile on his lips as he watched Sam’s bloodlust rise; he knew he’d created something perfect the moment he first saw that look in his eyes. 

Sam pulled up on the side of the road, seeing a house close by, it was far enough from Bobby’s but still in the middle of nowhere, he got out of the car, and opened the bonnet, pulling out a wrench and whacking the radiator, making smoke start to billow out; he sighed and walked up to the front door, putting on his best deer in the headlights face. 

He knocked heavily on the door, anticipation bubbling in his chest, making his heart beat slow and calm, prepared; he felt the familiar weight of the blade in his jacket, but this was different, he’d always hated hunting, the killing especially, but now he almost wanted it, he knew, deep down, that it was lucifer who wanted it, but he’d accepted that he was just an extension of the devil, his puppet, and he could find it within himself to care much. 

He knocked again, getting slightly impatient, ‘don’t be so eager, Sammy. There’s someone home.’ Lucifer whispered , leaning against the door, smiling. 

‘One minute, who is it?’ A voice echoed from the home, Sam couldn’t help but smile at the sound; ‘I was just driving past, my car’s a goddamn dinosaur and the radiator blew, you reckon I could use your phone?’ 

Slowly, a young man opened the door, it surprised Sam slightly, he was expecting someone older; but he plastered a smile back on.   
Understandably, the kid looked suspicious, Sam knew he still didn’t look his best, his deep set eyes and pasty skin, and not to mention how he was about 75 pounds heavier and 5 inches taller than the boy. 

‘Sure, I’ll bring it out.’ He dragged out, looking to the smoking car and back again.   
Sam’s smile tightened, but stayed on, ‘alright, thanks man you’re a lifesaver; my brother’s gonna kill me if he found out I wrecked the thing.’ He chuckled. 

The younger boy burst out laughing, a sparkle in his eyes, ‘I know what you mean, I have three older brothers, if you’re the little one I’d hate to see him!’ 

‘You have no idea, he’ll be chasing after me with some pipes in his hand complaint I destroyed his baby.’ Sam said, knowing that that part seemed pretty accurate.

The boy laughed heartily, shaking his head.  
‘I can practically see it; what’s your name by the way?’ 

In that moment, Sam was rather sure time slowed down, there were moments, during hunts, during an interview with a suspect, where he knew. He knew he had them pinned, coiled around his finger without them even realising they’d so much as cracked their guard. He’d always been afraid in those moments, how easy it was to manipulate a human with just a few words; but now he knew why the devil was known to have a silver tongue. 

‘The name’s Sam, Sam Winchester.’   
He wouldn’t often give out his name, but this kid wouldn’t even reach the phone.

Lucifer revelled in the screaming in Sam’s head, the clawing in his chest, as he tried to tell himself that this was wrong, to get out, his eyes glinted as he watched Sam mistake his own conscience for the anticipation to kill.  
They were one in this moment;   
_I have him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, yet again I can’t seem to update this more than once a month, I don’t even know why I struggled so much finishing this chapter but I hope you guys enjoy it! Feel free to leave feedback and a kudos if you want to, thanks for reading!


	26. Relief

Sam’s eyes opened wide, everything hurt like he’d been flayed alive. He squinted through the darkness. ‘Hello?, is anyone there?’ He croaked out, his voice echoed through the darkness.  
He tried to think about what had happened, but the last thing he could clearly remember was being in a musty motel room with lucifer goading him on to cut himself into ribbons, instinctively he looked down to his chest to see nothing.

He furrowed his eyebrows, he tried to stand up but his body felt like sludge, he couldn’t quite get his brain to tell his limbs how to move, what’s going on?  
‘Lucifer? Is this you?’ Sam called, for once hoping to hear the devil’s laughter at his fear.  
He stumbled, tripping over something; he heard a small groan of pain. 

‘Hello? Who is that?’ Sam asked desperately, needing to understand what had happened.  
Another groan was emitted from the dark, ‘help,’  
‘Where are you? I can’t see shit.’ Sam muttered in frustration. 

Suddenly, some light streamed into the space, Sam couldn’t tell where it was coming from, he looked around and saw a figure on the ground in front of him; ‘hey, hey I’m here.’ Sam whispered to the shaking shadow.

Sam took a closer look and his eyes widened in horror, the person on the floor. he couldn’t have been older than 20, he was cradling his throat as blood was gushing out of it, ‘holy shit, what happened?’ Sam asked, bending down to help the boy.

As their eyes met, his expression morphed from agony to pure panic and terror, abandoning the lethal gash in his flesh he scrambled backwards, as far from sam as possible.  
‘You.’ He croaked, ‘stay- stay away from me.’ He begged, Sam watched him in confusion.

‘What the hell are you talking about? You’re fucking dying let me help.’  
The kid nearly laughed but only choked up more blood, ‘you did this.’  
Sam furrowed his eyebrows, this must’ve been another trick from lucifer, ‘no, no I’d never hurt a fucking kid.’ He said, more to himself than anyone else.

Distracted, Sam barely noticed the boy starting to convulse, shaking and growling like a wild animal, ‘ _you did this!_ ’ he, or more like an it, screamed, it leapt at Sam, fingers clawing at his throat, he felt them squeeze, slick with blood and writhing with rage.  
Sam couldn’t breathe, he grappled at the thin fingers around his neck, but they wouldn’t budge.

Without warning, it was like his mind cracked open, a wave of memory crashed over him, how he’d- how he’d _murdered_ so many people, how he’d been the monster he was taught to hunt.  
He stopped fighting the hands around him, he deserved it. He deserved to die for what he’d done.  
A sorrowful smile graced his lips as his life faded to black.

************************

Lucifer withdrew from Sam’s mind, the irony of Sam not even being aware of the destruction of what was left of his soul was not lost on him.  
He watched in fascination at the scene in front of him, how it contrasted from the scene in his mind. 

The dark haired boy was spluttering and gagging on his own blood, staring up at Sam in fear and, somehow, hope, as if he would change his mind and help. Humans were truly so magnificently needy.  
‘Shush, now. It will all be over soon, isn’t it amazing? You can feel you life drain away like water.’  
Sam whispered, staring at the gash; admiring his work. 

***********************

Dean paced back and forth, frustrated at how many times he had to worry about people not answering their fucking phones.  
Bobby, Sam, both of them are off the radar.  
‘Goddammit!’ He yelled, slamming his phone on the desk. 

As if on cue, he heard the roar of the impala pull into the grounds, Dean’s blood was boiling as he slammed open the door, waiting like a mother who’s kid came home covered in mud. 

As soon as Sam climbed out of the car, Dean’s anger faltered, he could tell that the break did him some good, there was more colour on his face a small, sheepish smile. ‘Dean, I’m sorry I didn’t even keep an eye on the time, I didn’t mean to be gone for so long.’ Sam said, instantly knowing why Dean was upset. 

Dean sighed, ‘Sammy you can’t just go off grid like that, especially now.’  
Sam looked at his feet, ‘I know, I guess I forgot.’ He laughed, ‘christ, I feel like I’m seven all over again.’  
Dean cracked a smile, happy that Sam was more put together.

‘Yeah well you’re definitely taller than you used to be,’ he said begrudgingly, he was still never used to his little Sammy becoming a damn giant. 

Sam laughed, his shoulders relaxing in relief as they walked through the door, Dean saying something about food; but Sam wasn’t listening, even though he felt; better? There was an insistent ringing in his ears, like something wasn’t right; but he could place it, no matter how hard he tried. 

He shrugged it off, smiling at Dean as he brought out a plate of cold leftovers, he wolfed it down, ignoring the cold freezer burn, he didn’t realise how hungry he’d been, he almost groaned in relief when the ringing faded slightly, maybe it was just hunger.  
Dean grinned silently at the sight, he hadn’t seen Sam finish a meal in what felt like forever, maybe things were getting better for the both of them. A small voice in the back of his mind laughed, things were never that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I say this every chapter but surprise! Not dead! Lmao. Sorry to anyone waiting long for these chapters, I’ve got so many exams that I’m cramming for right now!  
> I know this one’s short but I had to get something out, hopefully by the end of June I’ll be back on track but don’t quote me on it lmao  
> Thanks to everyone reading this and the support, and if you liked it please leave a comment or kudos it keeps me motivated knowing you guys are enjoying it and knowing what you wanna see! Thanks again and enjoy!


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